


The World Behind the Window

by berryboys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Threesome, handjobs and blowjobs, my crush is dating my friend trope but they're idols
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24629860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryboys/pseuds/berryboys
Summary: He’s not over Donghyuck yet – he doubts he will ever be – and he’s not ready to deal with the torrent of pain that Renjun is about to bring him. No one in their right mind would kiss another member in a waiting room, risking their whole careers and their friendship; the life Jaemin has been fighting to build for years.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 62
Kudos: 455





	The World Behind the Window

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello!  
> it took me so long to post this but here it goes. this was a comm from pax, so thank you so much and i hope you like it!! ;; i love writing poly and love making boys suffer, though i tried to be nice to jaemin ^^  
> (he can't complain really)  
> don't be scared of the time skips (?). the beginning is a flash forward and then it's all lineal to catch up with that flash forward!
> 
> i'm sure most of you've already signed the petitions for blm, but in case you haven't and need a resource, you can go [here](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co) and get some info!

_August, 2019_

Jaemin can’t tell the exact moment he falls in love with Donghyuck, but he can tell the exact day, minute and second he glances at Renjun and his heart, for the first time, beats a bit faster.

It happens on the sixteenth of august, while the sun is still rising and Jaemin is barely awake after he was dragged from his dorm to Music Bank. But now, with all his make-up on and his hair perfectly done, the world seems to make sense again, more sense than Jaemin is used to.

The timing is awful, but Jaemin doubts there will ever be a right moment to be hit with that strange fluttering inside his chest. One coincidence after another, Jaemin finds himself alone backstage with Renjun, who is distractedly humming a song under his breath. Jaemin thinks it’s _My Page_. Jisung and Chenle have gone to the bathroom, tugging their two managers along with them to watch that no one enters while they're inside. Jeno is busy greeting some of their seniors, since they decided to pin it on him today, and he’s been absent for most of the morning.

Their waiting room has never been this silent, just Renjun and Jaemin, and when the last stylist in the room leaves to buy a snack, Jaemin feels a strange pressure around his head, the buzzing of his own thoughts loudly rumbling.

He doesn't know why today is different. He doesn't know why precisely today, when Donghyuck couldn't join them for the performance, when Jaemin doesn't have anyone here to remind him that Renjun isn't _his_.

Donghyuck’s absence doesn’t make Renjun his, but Jaemin looks at Renjun, tousling his brown hair in front of the mirror, and he can't compute anything but the deafening beating of his heart.

Renjun doesn't notice his gaze, not at first. Being observed is part of their lives, and after so many years in the industry, it's easy to ignore that incessant sensation of being watched at all times.

“What is it?” Renjun asks him, a little smile to accompany. It's his polite way of asking why Jaemin is staring at him without stop, but then his gaze travels down and he seems to forget his previous intentions. “Your shirt is messed up.”

Jaemin doesn't have the chance to look down. Renjun propels himself, leg bending against the wall, and his chair slides all the way to Jaemin. Their chairs clash against each other, but Renjun laughs at that, visibly embarrassed at his usual clumsiness. Jaemin has always thought of it as cute but now, as Renjun brings his fingers to his shirt, he can just let out a nervous scoff.

Renjun is right. Jaemin didn't match the buttons, and since he's had a jacket on until minutes ago, none of the stylists noticed. That's the last of his problems when Renjun starts unbuttoning his shirt without shame, a small frown of concentration between his eyebrows.

It’s ridiculous that Jaemin is so agitated.

They've been this close before, and though Renjun isn't especially touchy in public, he always accepts a good cuddling session if there aren’t any prying eyes around. They even sleep pressed against each other some nights, when they're sure the others are asleep. Renjun lets him thread his fingers in his hair when they write songs on the bed, while Renjun thinks and scribbles down on his notebook. He lets Jaemin run his fingertips over his forearms when he's talking about one of his stories, and though Jaemin eagerly listens to him, sometimes it's too tempting to surrender to the sensation of skin against skin, in the goosebumps that surge in Renjun’s skin when Jaemin touches him.

Maybe Jaemin has gotten used to that, to the false pretense that he has the right to touch Renjun, to absorb his time, to believe that they’re more than friends.

Maybe his feelings for Renjun have been there for a while, but they were gentle and reserved, just a little secret trapped among four walls. Just another secret. Another boy that doesn't belong to him, that doesn't love him.

Jaemin thought he could handle that.

“That's it,” Renjun merrily announces, palming his chest a bit too hard. He looks up, clearly waiting for gratitude, but he just finds the tension reflected on Jaemin’s expression. This is Renjun's gift: being mindful of others. He knows that Jaemin isn't fine, but he doesn't pressure him to speak up. “I know you're a mess, but you can't look like one.”

Renjun grins up at him, pretty lips with lipstick on and eyes that would shine even in the darkest night, and Jaemin's feelings aren't tame anymore. They grumble and roar in his chest, punching him from within, a threat that Jaemin can't ignore.

Jaemin tends to fuck up everything, and this is no exception. This one big mistake has been brewing for a long time, and it’s perfectly prepared for Jaemin to take it and run with it.

Jaemin leans forward, and though he's trembling from head to toe, his lips are careful when they press against Renjun's mouth. It feels like time has stopped, his heart frozen in the last heartbeat, Renjun frozen against him, his hands still on his chest.

It’s just a kiss. A forbidden one.

But then the world starts moving, and it moves with so much force that the ground beneath them shakes. It takes Jaemin a second to understand why: Renjun is responding to the kiss. With wary lips and a heavy sigh, Renjun opens for him. Their mouths fit perfectly, and Jaemin tastes lipstick and Renjun, Renjun and lipstick, excitement running through his veins until there’s no logic left.

Jaemin doesn't know for how long they kiss. It could be five seconds or two minutes, but realization comes back to pull them apart. Against all odds, it's Jaemin who regains conscience first, his heartbeat coming to a halt, his excitement becoming raw fear.

They could get caught by the staff. By other artists. By higher-ups. Or worse, by their own friends.

That’s enough to make Jaemin pull apart, a panicked noise slipping past his lips. If he thought kissing Renjun was scary, that's nothing compared to looking into his eyes afterwards. There's confusion there, but also pity, as though he _understands_ Jaemin’s behavior for the past few months at last.

Renjun speaks first, because of course he does. Because he can kiss his friend in the backstage of a music show and still have words to soothe him, to tell him that it's fine even though he has a boyfriend.

Except today Renjun just pleads, “Jaemin.”

It's a plea for Jaemin to stay, even though he hasn't attempted to leave yet. Renjun knows him too well. And his request falls into deaf ears, as Jaemin grasps the severity of what he has done, the look in Renjun’s face, and realizes that there are tears swelling up in his own eyes, a piercing pain between his lungs.

“I'm sorry,” Jaemin croaks out, pushing his chair back. He can't even see the way Renjun reaches out to grab him, but Jaemin doesn't want to be touched anymore, and he can't confront Renjun after this. “Holy shit, I'm so sorry.”

And he is, truly. He bolts out, panting, but they're still alone in the room, and he can't possibly bear a conversation with Renjun after kissing him. After Renjun kissed him back, too.

“Wait-” Renjun tells him, standing, hands gripping the chair for support.

That's the signal that makes Jaemin run away. He storms out and opens the door so hard that it resonates all over the hall and attracts everyone's attention. He recognizes worried faces, Renjun's voice calling him, and his name reverberating through the hall – whether it's a manager or another member, he can't tell.

The scolding that he’ll receive later will be awful, but that's a better option than walking into the waiting room again and taking another glimpse of all the pity Renjun feels towards him. So he keeps walking without direction, aware that he can't leave the building, that he's just running in circles inside a maze.

Somehow, he’s always been trapped here.

_February, 2018_

With Donghyuck, it’s not about crucial moments of realization.

They’ve been together since they were kids, round faces and high-pitched voices that sharpened over time. Jaemin doesn’t see Donghyuck one day and realizes that he’s attractive; he’s always been the sort of boy that could make him breathless if he played a little too hard, if he jokingly kissed him goodnight, if he spared him a hug, a few caresses over his back.

They never speak about it. It's evident that Jaemin likes boys, that he tiptoes around the topic when one of them crosses the line – he's not the only one that swings both ways, but he's the only one who is uncomfortable with certain gestures of affection. It's not his sexuality that puts him in a difficult position, at least not when it comes to the group, but the constant reminder that he’s never stopped, for a single second, liking Donghyuck as more than a friend.

Throughout the years, Jaemin concludes that he's a selfish person. Donghyuck never resents him, even though he knows that Jaemin loves him more than he should, more than it’s allowed in the world; he doesn’t hinder Jaemin’s ways of dealing with it.

He allows Jaemin to hurt their friendship, and then makes an effort to be his friend again. He allows Jaemin to hate him at times, to argue with him over petty problems, but Donghyuck never uses his handicap against him. And Jaemin wishes he would, that in the middle of a fight Donghyuck would tell him how pathetic he is for being hooked on a boy that will never want him; so useless for sinking his claws into a hopeless aim.

If Donghyuck was cruel, it would be easier to let him go. But he’s not. Under all the mischievousness and the risky jokes, Donghyuck is a teen that understands that Jaemin didn’t choose this, and that pushing him away would drive them apart forever.

Then Renjun barges into their lives, and Donghyuck becomes a new sort of boy: the boy who has always been there for Jaemin, but who never looks at Jaemin with that spark that is reserved only for Renjun.

Renjun and Donghyuck are discreet at first.

So discreet that Jaemin, despite living with them, isn’t the one who notices the subtle changes in their relationship. It’s not a strategy of avoidance, a trick to lie to himself – that tiny consolation that if Donghyuck doesn’t love him that way, it’s because he doesn’t like boys, or because he doesn’t want to get involved with a member of the group – but the true inability to see what’s happening in front of his eyes.

The rumors catch Mark, Jeno, Jisung and Chenle by surprise too, and when Taeyong shoots the stellar question during practice’s break, most of them laugh it off like it’s a joke.

It could be a joke. There’s a smile on Taeyong’s face when he approaches their table, gently hovering over them. Most of the older members are gathered around their own table, and some of them are still practicing, so Taeyong doesn’t have any reason to be here, accompanying the youngest ones during lunch. Jaemin supposes that it’s his way of checking up on them, of making sure that they’re not crushing under the pressure of preparing a stage with eighteen boys in a room.

Taeyong’s gaze quickly falls on Donghyuck, and his apparent docility turns into a ploy. “I see, Renjun, isn’t it?”

For a moment, it feels like a private conversation displayed in front of a bunch of strangers. That’s how Jaemin feels: like an outsider. It’s an unknown sensation for them, who are always together, who know each one of their friends better than their families. Donghyuck isn’t always with them, however, and as Jaemin evaluates the look Taeyong is giving him, he realizes that it’s not the first time they have a similar conversation.

For Taeyong, this is a funny guessing game to figure out who Donghyuck is in love with.

The certainty of their bond is beyond fragile, and it takes a couple of words from Taeyong to shatter it into pieces. Jaemin has always been quite observant, and he’s always been there to catch them when they fall, but today is his turn to realize that no matter how much he peels at those layers, there’s always another deeper layer beneath that.

They’re trained for that: to lay their layers one over another until their personalities are completely covered. It’s so easy to keep a secret.

That tiny, but destructive secret that Donghyuck’s eyes harbor as he glances at Renjun. That spark of fear.

There’s just one reason Jaemin knows he’s not hallucinating: Renjun, who never falters, who never lets intimidation take over him, returns the same look of horror.

“Have you already forgotten my name?” Donghyuck jokes. But his strength is gone, his attempt at pretending deflating at the speed of light. He squeezes Renjun’s shoulder, no tenderness, and challenges Taeyong with, “Renjun is this one.”

Taeyong doesn’t retreat, and whether he can’t perceive the surrounding awkwardness or not, at least he’s sensitive enough to let Renjun and Donghyuck breathe. To advance on their own, without pressure.

“Be careful, guys,” Taeyong whispers, his tone softer, as though he understands why Renjun and Donghyuck would joke about it instead of outright admitting it. He walks around their table, pats Donghyuck’s head as a farewell gesture, and adds, “You don’t want to get caught.”

Jaemin doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but as soon as Taeyong leaves, the boys start cackling.

Donghyuck grunts at the mocking remarks about how he should kiss Renjun and elope together, and Renjun has to raise his fist a few times to silence them. Jaemin would love to pretend, but the knot in his throat doesn’t let him join the teasing. He doesn’t want to, anyway; he just wants everyone to overlook that he’s incapable of speaking about his friends dating each other, not even as a joke.

“Why does he think you two are together?” Chenle asks them on a more serious note once Jeno stops blabbering about their future wedding.

Both Renjun and Donghyuck are witty enough to come up with a thousand explanations. Perhaps they got caught fooling around and Taeyong misinterpreted it. Renjun texts Donghyuck too much when he’s away, and Taeyong finds it funny. Renjun slept over the other day and the older members thought they were adorable.

“I have no idea,” Donghyuck mutters, lowering his head, more annoyed by the second.

Donghyuck is on the verge of exploding and telling them to mind their own business, and maybe about to make a scene that will ruin the modd. Since the comeback is near, they’re starving and exhausted, and Donghyuck always has trouble to control his emotions when he’s hungry. Jaemin has known him for so long that the warning comes naturally for him, but much to his shock, Renjun perceives it too.

“It’s because you’re like a leech,” Renjun replies, bringing his hand up to rub Donghyuck’s cheekbone, fondness in his stare. Perhaps if Jaemin wasn’t staring, he’d miss how Donghyuck unconsciously leans into the touch. “You can’t live without me, Donghyuck.”

Jeno gags at that, but Renjun’s words prompt laughter around the table, and even Donghyuck scoffs. It’s contagious. If Donghyuck is okay, the rest of them are too. Jaemin drops back against the chair, managing to smile for the first time in a while, and tries to shake off all his assumptions and worries.

But that’s his mistake. Once he leans back, he can see that under the table, Donghyuck and Renjun’s hands are tightly intertwined.

It hurts that they keep it a secret.

But nothing changes. They’re still the same seven boys, often just five when Donghyuck and Mark are away, and Jaemin supposes that after all, Renjun and Donghyuck don’t have enough time to make it obvious. In a group where everyone is affectionate, Donghyuck’s gestures go unnoticed under their noses.

The little hints are there. If Donghyuck wakes up last and presses a kiss on Renjun’s cheek, Renjun doesn’t chase him through the whole dorm like he used to do. They spend too much time in the bathroom together, door locked. When they watch a movie in their living room, they’re always the first ones to leave, though Jaemin shares a room with Renjun. He never finds Donghyuck there, however, because by the time Jaemin arrives he’s always gone. When Donghyuck is unusually quiet, or just quiet, Renjun is willing to entangle their hands together, no need to speak.

No matter how many reasons they could have to keep their relationship private, Jaemin knows that the main reason is _him_. And Jaemin fucking hates it. If Donghyuck and Renjun decided to sit the group down and announce that they were together, it would be a lot easier for Jaemin to accept it. Not to move on, but just to accept that he’s not imagining this, that he’s not simply being excluded from a friendship – that Donghyuck isn’t turning his back on him because he’s been an awful friend, while Renjun has proved to be the opposite.

It’s a double ration of shame: they’re together, and they don’t dare to share it because they’re trying to protect Jaemin’s feelings. Donghyuck doesn’t love him, but still accommodates his own romantic life not to hurt him. It’s like lying down and letting his friends cut him open and take a peek inside him; Jaemin is stronger than this, because he’s spent half of his life in love with Donghyuck, and he can take one last blow before letting go.

But then _Go_ promotions end, and Donghyuck leaves them again. It’s a sort of normality that all of them have always despised, but they adapt every time, rearranging rooms and, sometimes, choosing to be alone.

It’s not the case this time. Instead of invading Donghyuck and Mark’s empty room for privacy, both Jaemin and Renjun stay in their shared room. Jaemin doesn’t want to make Renjun feel bad. There’s no reason for him to dismiss Renjun now, not when he’s been taking care of Renjun for two years, since the very moment he stepped into their practice room, so tiny and thin that Jaemin had immediately decided to take him under his wing.

Renjun has never hurt Jaemin until now, and if there’s something that unsettles Jaemin is that in two years, Renjun never even insinuated that he was developing feelings for Donghyuck.

Jaemin isn't entitled to that. Their bond ends where the small precious traces of their privacy begin. Renjun gives him other parts of himself, parts that aren't meant to be shown outside their home either, and Jaemin threads lightly not to step into dangerous territory.

Sometimes it scares him how easy is to forget about Donghyuck. He disappears for a couple of months and then Jaemin doesn't hurt so badly. Then Jaemin manages to look at Renjun without seeing only Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck. It isn't fair for Renjun that, when Donghyuck is around, their little secret eclipses Jaemin's view of him. Now the Renjun he knows comes back bit by bit. Every time Jaemin blinks, he sees a new, slightly different world.

“Can I show you something?” Renjun asks him one night from his bed, when it's so late that the whole dorm has sunk into complete silence.

Jaemin is half-asleep by then, but he forgot to turn off his lamp's light, so Renjun must have assumed he was on his phone. He doesn't have the heart to grumble at Renjun though, and he ends up rolling on his side to face Renjun.

Renjun isn't looking at him. His attention is fixed on his notebook, a pencil twirling in his hand, but even from this distance Jaemin can distinguish the annoyance plastered on his face.

“Of course,” Jaemin answers, trying not to sound too groggy. To his luck, Renjun is too absorbed in his own frustration to notice it, and for a moment Jaemin wonders if he’d have noticed if Jaemin hadn't replied at all. “Are you drawing?”

That's what must be bothering him. When it comes to writing, Renjun never vacillates to complain, to ask for help since Jaemin has more experience with composing. Jaemin has learned that drawing and painting seems to be more of an immersive, personal process for him, and he's always reticent to dip his toes there.

Renjun slips off his bed, still frowning, and pads all the way to his bed before Jaemin can make space for him. He sets down his notebook first, and then lies stomach down, snuggling against Jaemin's side.

It takes Jaemin a few seconds to look away from Renjun's profile and to his drawing. As soon as Jaemin recognizes what he’s painted, words get stuck on tongue, and he feels so intimidated that he's sure he would be more comfortable if Renjun just decided to take off his clothes in front of him.

It's Donghyuck.

Jaemin has no idea when Renjun took the step of moving into portraits, but given the quality of his work, he’s had some training. Jaemin wouldn't call it a portrait, because the drawing doesn't show Donghyuck's face, just his torso. The muscles of his shoulders, every line of his neck – so painfully clear, since Renjun has had time to explore every inch of his skin – his abdomen, flat but soft, his hipbones, and even the tiniest detail on his wrist is depicted with overwhelming precision.

“Oh,” Jaemin breathes out. He feels tears prickling at his eyes, but he doesn't even know why he feels like crying. Maybe because he'll never experience what Renjun has. Maybe because Renjun trusts him so much that he's not afraid of showing him an exposing drawing – a small window to Renjun's feelings, which were safely tucked before. Maybe because he can recognize Donghyuck's body even if Renjun doesn't tell him that it's him, and that's the reason he can't lie either to himself or to Renjun, “God, Injun, that’s beautiful.”

Renjun sucks in a breath. “Really?” he mutters, voice wavering. After a few seconds, he turns to Jaemin, hope in his eyes. “I wasn’t sure if it-”

If it could match up to the real Donghyuck.

“It’s perfect,” Jaemin assures him. There's a faint blush on Renjun's cheeks, and Jaemin looks there, feeling quite hot himself. “Did you show it to anyone else?”

Jaemin doesn't know why he asks, but he has a hunch that Renjun intended to draw that and then rip it to pieces before anyone could get a hold of it. He doubts Donghyuck will have the chance to see it.

“No,” Renjun confirms, his fingers protectively curling around the edges of his notebook. He keeps his gaze on Jaemin's eyes, however, as though he's not afraid of admitting it out loud. He is. His heavy breathing betrays him, but Jaemin is just as nervous, tasting the strange tension between them. “Do you want to know why I showed it to you?”

Jaemin doesn't hesitate. “Yes.”

Renjun has always been pretty, but tonight, as he looks at Jaemin with all his bared vulnerability, he looks especially pretty. When Renjun touches him, a shiver runs down Jaemin's spine like thunder. Renjun caresses his cheek with the back of his fingers, like he needs Jaemin to feel the answer through his skin first, but Jaemin can feel nothing but the rapid beating of his heart.

And then, in a whisper, Renjun answers, “Because I knew you would understand.”

It's a matter of time, and on a bigger level, a matter of pride.

To be precise, Donghyuck's pride to admit that he's being ignored on purpose.

Jeno is the messenger, which is unsurprising considering that he's Donghyuck's best and only weapon. Jaemin could easily shut off Chenle and Jisung if they got too nosy, and Donghyuck would never rope Renjun into this mess. It's a problem that Jaemin and Donghyuck have borne for years, and if there's someone who has been there to witness every stupid second of it, that's Jeno.

It's not the first time Jeno has to meddle between them. Jaemin can tell Jeno’s intentions the exact moment he walks into the kitchen that morning, thanking their dorm’s cook with a smile and plopping down across the table with his eyebrows raised.

He doesn’t speak until the cook leaves, however, but that just translates into Jaemin swallowing his breakfast with a knot in his throat. Jaemin knows what comes next, and he can’t retain the cook forever, but he prays for another member to join them out of nowhere – maybe if he had woken up at a normal time, they would be sharing the table with the rest and he could escape.

“Donghyuck says you’re not answering his messages,” Jeno says as soon as they’re alone, not even bothering to glare at Jaemin. Jeno used to get mad at them if their fights went for too long or were too intense, but throughout the years he’s just accepted that the world can’t always be at peace. “He’s giving me a headache and you don’t want me to suffer, right?”

The guilt tripping factor is there, as Jaemin imagines Donghyuck pathetically texting Jeno complaints, whining because Jaemin doesn’t pay attention to him. Jaemin would be frustrated too if his friend stopped talking to him just because he was living his life – dating whoever he wanted, who he loved.

Jaemin knows that he’s being selfish, but he owes himself some selfishness.

“Jeno,” he replies, casting his glance down. Jeno’s gaze proves that he won’t let him off the hook just with a pout, but Jaemin isn’t exactly trying to get away. “I will. Eventually.”

It’s obvious Jeno isn’t expecting a negative, because his mouth falls open and his pupils tremble with uncertainty. He probably thought it was one of their silly fights. But that’s the difference this time: they haven’t fought.

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks him, impatient. Jaemin shakes his head, but Jeno doesn’t back out, just pushes his food aside and crosses his arms over his chest. “Just tell me. You’ve been acting so weird lately.” He hums, “Weirder than usual, I mean.”

Jaemin flickers his eyes up, taken aback. He could understand it if Jeno pointed out that his behavior towards Donghyuck has changed, but Donghyuck isn’t here. It’s just the five of them, and for better and for worse, Jaemin spends a lot of time with Renjun. He’s used to Renjun’s presence, and though he hasn’t made an active effort to hide that he’s heartbroken, Jaemin hasn’t treated Renjun any different.

Jaemin would never raise his voice at Renjun, would never hurt him just because he took what he wished for the most. Jaemin is wired to protect him, and that hasn’t changed.

He can’t break that trust between them.

Before Jaemin can decide the direction of this conversation, Renjun steps into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Jeno is so absorbed in the conversation that he startles at the interruption, but then Renjun mockingly smiles at him and Jeno just melts into a grin.

“Morning,” Renjun greets Jeno, ruffling his hair.

Jeno fixes his hawk eyes on Jaemin, intently observes his reaction, and only then he responds with a placid, “Morning.”

Whatever Jeno is looking for, he finds it in the way Jaemin glances at Renjun, or in the way he looks away without acknowledging him. Jaemin's excuse is that they sleep together, and it doesn't make sense that they have to forcefully greet each other if they don't even separate at night. The real reason is that Renjun has just saved him from an interrogation.

While Renjun fumbles around the kitchen, humming a song, Jeno lifts his eyebrows at Jaemin. Jaemin hates when Jeno tries to communicate with him through this sort of silences, because often it ends up with them getting caught and wildly gesticulating, but he knows that there's no use in resisting.

Jeno's expression is all Jaemin needs to interpret that he's asking if they've fought over Renjun. Jaemin has no idea what made him suspect that, but he didn't miss the target for much. Technically, Renjun is the vital piece of this issue, otherwise it would just be Jaemin moping on his own like always.

Jaemin surrenders and gives Jeno a dry nod, but to Jaemin's horror, that just makes him spin around to tap Renjun on his shoulder. Renjun responds with a grunt instead of facing them, which is a relief considering Jaemin is visibly on the edge of a heart attack. He can't tell whether Jeno is about to tell Renjun that Jaemin is mad at him, or it's a completely unrelated matter.

“I know we were supposed to go shopping together but-” Jeno begins, tone charged with guilt. “Jaemin here needs to release some energy.”

Jaemin tries not to groan out loud, but he sinks his face into his hands, prays that Renjun won't start asking questions.

“Oh, you're ditching me,” Renjun concludes, turning around at last. He doesn't look offended, but Jaemin fears that under that façade of indifference he tends to build, he's disappointed. Renjun sticks his tongue out at Jeno and says, “How cruel of you.”

“Renjun,” Jeno protests, though it's just a joke.

“Also, _releasing energy_ sounds pretty dirty,” Renjun adds before Jeno can start apologizing. He's not as oblivious as Jaemin thought, since he takes his toast and walks out of the kitchen, a diverted glint in his gaze, and screams from the hall, “Sorry for interrupting, gentlemen.”

Jeno's shoulders slump as he throws Jaemin a pitiful gaze. “Now I feel bad.”

“That's why you should have asked first,” Jaemin rejoices, since Jeno's plan backfired on him. They could have had this conversation in their room, even in the bathroom, and there was no need to lie to Renjun. “We'll have to go out together just to pretend.”

There are moments that get engraved in Jaemin's memory, like small notches that mark his life forever, and this is one of those moments. When he sits down by the Han River with Jeno and confesses everything that has been torturing him for the past months, Jaemin feels free at last.

He feels less lonely, too.

“They’re not-” Jeno stutters, eyes wide. There are no people around them, just families passing by and some runners, but Jeno seems incapable of repeating the word _dating_. “How would you know that?”

Jaemin doesn’t have any proof, that’s true. His proof is silence, the lack of a confrontation from Donghyuck’s part, and Renjun’s drawing. If he explains his theory this way to Jeno, his friend will think he’s gone nuts.

“I just know, okay?” Jaemin sighs. He looks up at the sky, the sun itching on his face, and tries to ignore how Jeno bites his lower lip in hesitation. This is difficult for him too, and Jaemin doubts he ever imagined this, but he’s sure Jeno never thought Donghyuck could date within the group. That’s why Jeno can’t console him: Jaemin’s sadness is just collateral damage for people, who he loves, to be happy. “Trust me on this. They won't tell you because they don't want us to know.”

“That makes me a bit sad,” Jeno mutters. He tears his gaze away from Jaemin, troubled, and continues, “Do they think we're going to judge them? I could understand Renjun being afraid of it, but Donghyuck-”

Jaemin scoffs, aware that Jeno won’t be able to put his thoughts into words. It’s more complicated than that, for all of them.

“Are you trying to say that Donghyuck knows you didn't judge me for being in love with him so you wouldn't judge him and Renjun either?”

Both of them slip into a silence, but one second later Jeno is bursting into laughter, and maybe because Jaemin feels better after lifting this weight off his shoulders, he follows as well. Jeno looks embarrassed, and that’s all the evidence for Jaemin to conclude that yes, those were exactly Jeno’s thoughts.

“Kind of,” he admits, punching Jaemin in the arm so that he stops laughing.

Jaemin is grateful that his first assumption wasn’t that Donghyuck and Renjun kept it a secret because poor, pitiful Jaemin would shed some tears otherwise. Jaemin may have dragged his pride all over the floor these past years, but he’s working to pick it up, and the first step is to change his friends’ perception on him.

His world can’t rotate around Donghyuck.

“What did you think this _fight_ was about?” Jaemin shoots at Jeno, curious.

Just by the way Jeno’s laughter stops altogether, Jaemin can tell that he had his own firm conclusions. Lips pressed into a line, Jeno vacillates, either because he doesn’t want to insult Jaemin or because he created a whole insane movie in his head. Jaemin has contemplated both options anyhow, since there’s no tender way to go around this topic, so he wouldn’t get angry at Jeno for it.

“Honestly? You're going to laugh at me,” Jeno says, scratching the back of his head. Jaemin nods to let him know that he should continue, so Jeno begrudgingly explains, “I thought you had a crush on Renjun and Donghyuck was being petty over not being special for you anymore.”

Jaemin freezes, staring at Jeno like he might add at any moment that he’s just messing with him. But Jeno just lowers his head, his cheeks reddening, too embarrassed to pretend that it’s a joke.

“What?” Jaemin whispers, equally amazed and horrified. The fact that Jeno has been living such drama in his head is quite amusing. “How the fuck?”

Jeno seems content with his reaction, but Jaemin has to slap a hand over his mouth not to cackle out loud again.

“You spend a lot of time with Renjun,” Jeno reasons with a shrug. He evaluates Jaemin, wary, but since the mood isn’t disastrous, he adds, “And he looks at you like- I don’t know. I’m the guy that would have never thought they were dating, so my judgment must be all twisted.”

Jaemin's heart skips a beat. He doesn't know why; like Jeno says, his previous theories didn't make any sense, and Renjun is the same Renjun he has always been. A bit more mature, more private, and Jaemin doesn't have any right to pry into his feelings.

But for once, this isn't about Donghyuck. Jeno smiles at him, still with the flush of shame on his face, and Jaemin realizes that his life isn't irrevocably attached to Donghyuck.

Because Donghyuck isn’t with them, and for the first time in a while, Jaemin is relieved.

_August, 2018_

Donghyuck comes back. He always does.

And because it's Donghyuck, eternally peculiar Donghyuck, he arrives when he's less expected to: on a Thursday, in the middle of the night, without any suitcase and accompanied only by the manager that walks him to the door.

Jaemin isn't awake, and even though he's a light sleeper, the door of their dorm isn't what wakes him up. It's Renjun running through their bedroom, barefoot, too excited to wait until morning to see Donghyuck.

Jaemin has never managed these moments well – Donghyuck's absence is sometimes a torture, but sometimes it's a huge blessing for his health – and tonight it's even worse. Renjun's enthusiasm makes his chest clench, and Jaemin drowns further into his bed, wishing he could fuse with the sheets. It would be a miracle for Jaemin to sleep through all the noise Renjun makes as he pulls the door open, as he jumps all over the hall, the pounding of his feet muffling Donghyuck's giggles.

Jaemin rolls over his bed, casts a quick glance in the hall just to discover that yes, Renjun accidentally left the door open. Open enough for Jaemin to distinguish their figures against the light coming from the living room, their legs pressed against each other's, and Donghyuck's hands fastened behind Renjun's lower back.

And Jaemin can hear them, too. He hears their rushed breathing, the first two pecks that are just lips against lips before becoming a deeper, much more silent kiss; he hears the small moans, the giggles in between, even a couple of natural protests coming from Renjun, their usual bickering.

An evil part of Jaemin shouts at him to get up and shut the door close, to ruin their moment, to remind them that all of their efforts to hide their relationship are useless if they act like this. But it's the ugly claws of jealousy ripping his empathy apart, and Jaemin hates himself for it.

It’s the first night Donghyuck and Renjun can spend together since _Go_ promotions. Jaemin would have to be plain cruel to break their happiness by making this about himself.

“Baby,” Donghyuck whispers, sighing. There's a soft crash, as though one of them leaned on the wall too hard by accident, and then Donghyuck snorts. “You're so noisy, you're going to wake them up.”

“I don't care,” Renjun retorts with a little laugh. And god, Jaemin knows that he doesn't. He wouldn't care about anything in the world either, if he was just lucky enough to have a taste of Donghyuck's lips. “Couch?”

There's a silence before Donghyuck accepts, “Couch.”

Jaemin waits for them to leave. And then waits another ten minutes, listening to the murmur coming from the living room, as though their voices could lull him back to sleep. Maybe they could. Jaemin can't sleep without Renjun in the room, not anymore. He’s latched onto him too with desperation, depending on his presence when he's anxious, when he wants a reminder of Donghyuck – he's been using Renjun, the closest link to Donghyuck, to soothe his own pain.

Jeno had thought it was a crush, but it isn't just that. Jaemin doesn't have a meaningless crush on Renjun. Instead he's feeding on his energy, because Renjun is everything Donghyuck isn't, and at the same time, is all Donghyuck belongs to. Renjun is the light in Donghyuck's darkness and the darkness in Donghyuck's light, such a perfect, impeccable combination that it's devouring Jaemin from inside.

Maybe Jaemin has missed Donghyuck, too.

It’s always easier to adapt if Jaemin has a pattern to follow.

Every time Donghyuck comes back, it means that there's hard work ahead for them, and this time is no exception. Mark arrives just two days later, which makes Jaemin suspect that it was Donghyuck's choice to change dorms earlier than he should have.

If they only have a couple of events, Donghyuck and Mark don't permanently move into their dorm, and sometimes they even meet them up in a different country without spending a single night with them. Back then, both Mark and Donghyuck seemed to accept it without complaints, but Jaemin has noticed it’s wearing Donghyuck off.

They don’t speak about it, but Jaemin is wired to perceive his friends’ emotions even if all they offer is silence, and what he perceives now is Donghyuck’s distress.

His distress to fix his problems with Jaemin before he has to fly away again, his distress because he wants to _stay_ with Renjun, and on top of that, all the pressure to prepare their new album and do it perfectly. Jaemin understands him, but their comeback is his excuse to ignore the mess rumbling in his head.

He doesn't have any rush to explain why he didn't answer Donghyuck's messages, why he slept in Renjun's bed half of the nights while Donghyuck was away, or why he can't even bring himself to pretend in front of other members anymore.

Jaemin doesn't know the answer to those questions either, anyway.

It’s a matter of time that Donghyuck confronts him, Jaemin is aware of that, because Donghyuck might be afraid of fucking up, but he’s not afraid of trying.

However, Jaemin doesn’t expect Donghyuck to address him after one of their practices, almost at two in the morning while everyone is wiping their sweat and panting. Despite all the hours they’ve spent practicing, Donghyuck doesn’t look as exhausted as the rest, and he approaches Jaemin without hesitation, a frown on his face.

He plants his hand on Jaemin’s shoulder, fingers digging into his shoulder blade, and says, “We need to talk.”

Everyone in the room turns their heads to them. Jaemin hates the alarmed glint in Renjun’s eyes, how he stares at Donghyuck as though he fears what he’s about to do. As though Renjun can stop him with one look. But he can’t, and choosing this moment is Donghyuck’s carefully crafted strategy to corner Jaemin.

Jaemin can’t ignore a problem if it affects their group. It’s a rule, but it would be also incredibly inconsiderate and egoistic. This is a low kick, but it proves that Donghyuck can lower to Jaemin’s level just to get what he wants.

That’s the reason Jaemin isn’t prone to giving in, his irrational urge to fight taking over.

“About?” Jaemin coldly asks, defiant.

By then, the tension has spread to the rest of the group. Mark, who was lying down on the floor, sits up so fast that he startles Chenle and Jisung. Unlike them, Renjun is petrified, perhaps because he’s the only one that knows that this could end up in a fight. Jeno subtly shakes his head when Jaemin glances at him, as if to warn him that he should keep his cool.

Donghyuck inhales, closing his eyes, his endless patience reaching its end. He probably thought that after ignoring him for months, Jaemin would be more pliant than this, that he wouldn’t hinder this conversation.

“About so many things, Jaemin,” Donghyuck grunts, but he knows what kind of game Jaemin is roping him into. Cowardice. And Donghyuck never loses a game, so he stares into Jaemin’s eyes, serious, and says, “I can do it here if you don’t care.”

Of course Jaemin cares. This is going to destroy him, but it might also destroy Donghyuck’s inner peace and that advantage he has over Jaemin. Everyone’s perception is that Jaemin is acting like an asshole while Donghyuck is just putting up with him.

Jaemin breathes out, “Go ahead then, if you have anything to say.”

Donghyuck doesn’t have time to be shocked, because Renjun croaks out, “Guys-”

Donghyuck silences him by raising his hand, signaling that it’s fine. Maybe it’s not fine for Renjun, Jaemin wants to point out, but it’s too late. Jaemin provoked this.

“Renjun and I are together,” Donghyuck announces then, never taking his eyes off Jaemin. The collective gasp that resonates in the practice room doesn’t stop him, and neither does the fact that Renjun is standing up, looking at his boyfriend like he has committed a crime. “Have been together since the beginning of the year. I know that you know, but I wanted to tell you because-”

Donghyuck swallows hard, containing himself, and then continues in a mutter, “I trust you, and I love you, and I don't want anything to change between us.”

There are many words that wouldn’t have affected Jaemin. He doesn’t feel anything when Donghyuck confirms that he’s dating Renjun, hence they’re official and serious and there’s no turning back. But Donghyuck trusts him, loves him, and appreciates the bond between them. Jaemin knows all that, he really does, but he’s not ready to hear it directly from Donghyuck.

This is Donghyuck’s last plea: baring himself in front of everyone so that Jaemin can’t tiptoe around him anymore. Jaemin thinks he’s always been in the receiving end of this toxicity, but Donghyuck isn’t hurting him on purpose, he’s just living his life.

Jaemin doesn’t notice how badly his legs are trembling until Jeno walks towards him and sets his arm around his waist. He doesn’t understand how he hasn’t crumbled down, because the moment Jeno touches him, he becomes all his physical and emotional support.

“Why?” Jaemin manages to utter.

Because things are bound to change.

This isn’t a fling. Renjun and Donghyuck aren’t going to ditch each other when the first problem arises. The resilience of their group reaches their relationship too, and they’re so used to fighting that Jaemin is sure that not even a million fights could break them apart.

Some people are meant to be together, and destiny might have brought Jaemin and Donghyuck together too, but Donghyuck will never belong to Jaemin how he belongs to Renjun.

“I don't want to hurt you, Jaemin, under any circumstance,” Donghyuck answers at last, a bit confused at the question. It doesn’t make much sense. They should want to stay beside each other, and questioning that is an offense. “I wish this could be easier-”

Jaemin doesn’t intend to sound bitter, but the scoff that slips past his lips is charged with bitterness. “Don't go on.”

For once, Donghyuck obeys him. It doesn’t mean he’s disposed to shut up, but at least the upcoming apology dies on his mouth.

Jaemin looks around, suddenly conscious of how much company they have. His vision is blurred by tears, even though he doesn’t remember tearing up, and he has to blink a few times to see his friends. Most of them are speechless, but not all of them are focused on Donghyuck and him. Jisung is staring at Renjun, mouth open in eternal surprise, either trying to process that Renjun isn’t straight or that he’s dating the last person they expected him to. Chenle is holding onto Mark’s arm, so tense that Jaemin can’t help but feel bad for him; Chenle has never been good with serious arguments, and this probably overpasses him, makes him assume that the group is about to shatter into pieces.

Mark’s expression is blank, even calm, because he’s witnessed enough fights from their older members to know that he can’t interfere in something so personal. He’s spent all these months by Donghyuck’s side too, so the chances of him being up to date are high.

Donghyuck must have needed someone to listen to him, someone that knew Renjun as much as he did.

“And I'm not angry at you,” Donghyuck says, shoving his hands into his pockets. He twirls around, giving his back to everyone for a moment, as though he needs to regain his composure. Jaemin doesn’t understand why Donghyuck would be angry at him. He ignored his messages, but Donghyuck knew the reason, and he isn’t entitled to Jaemin’s sympathy and friendship. But then Donghyuck glances at him again and sputters, “I'm not mad that you like Renjun. I trust both of you and I'd never do anything to separate you.”

It’s ironical. Cruel, even. Jaemin is immune to having his heart broken, a consequence of pulling through that every single day, but he’s not immune to this exposure. He shouldn’t care, right? Because he doesn’t like Renjun, even if Jeno thinks so, even if now Donghyuck stares at him with a certainty that Jaemin is afraid to rebut, as though Donghyuck might have real proof and could humiliate him. Part of him wants to break into a scream, and the other wants to shove Donghyuck and start a fight.

When Jaemin looks at Renjun, it feels like he’s trapped in a nightmare. One glance is all Jaemin needs to know that Donghyuck didn’t consult this with him at all. Whether Renjun believes that Jaemin is in love with him or not, he didn’t talk it out with Donghyuck beforehand.

Jaemin has no idea where he gets his strength from, but he manages to say, “What?”

Disappointment strikes in Donghyuck’s semblance, just for a second, and then he assures him, “It's okay.”

But nothing is okay, not anymore. Donghyuck has thrown himself to the wolves, but he has done the same to Jaemin. It’s so unfair, and Jaemin hates that he can’t just go to sleep and wake up in a new world where he doesn’t love Donghyuck with his whole soul, where he wouldn’t let Donghyuck stomp over him this way.

“I knew you'd deny it but I just wanted you to know.”

Jaemin can’t open his mouth to defend himself. Renjun doesn’t wait for him to do so either, however, he gets up and strides out of the practice room without a word. He doesn’t respond when Donghyuck softly calls his name, in a tone that shows that he knows he’s crossed a line, that Renjun doesn’t appreciate the show he provoked.

It’s Jaemin’s fault. If it wasn’t because of his stubbornness, this show would have been private, just a secret between Donghyuck and Jaemin. He couldn’t have imagined that Donghyuck would have the guts to do all this, though.

Jaemin has shot himself in the foot.

The idea of sleeping with Renjun that night is terrifying, but against all odds, Renjun doesn’t even show up.

The silence is a constant throughout the whole day: when they start practicing again, on the ride back home in the van, while they take turns to eat in the kitchen so that Donghyuck, Jaemin and Renjun don’t have to coincide. But Jaemin hears Renjun’s voice later that night, as he burrows himself in his bed, because their walls are so thin that they can’t have a conversation without the rest of the group knowing.

Jaemin doesn’t need to make out his words to know that they’re arguing about him. He’s just surprised that they do it in front of Mark, and that Mark doesn’t grab his pillow and comes to sleep in Renjun’s bed instead – Jaemin supposes that he’s smart enough to suspect that it would just upset Jaemin further. If they exchange rooms one night, all of them will desperately latch onto that escape and it will become permanent.

That would be the final blow for Jaemin.

Jaemin covers his ears with his pillow, wondering why this home doesn’t feel like home anymore, wishing he’ll wake up tomorrow and their promotions will be cancelled and he won’t have to face his mistakes for two whole months. Wishing for Donghyuck to leave again, so that Jaemin can mend the little pieces of his heart, so that he can have Renjun back – into his arms, into their shared peace, their safe space.

But their safety is gone, and Jaemin is just an eighteen-year-old boy that has spent half of his life in love with the same boy, and he’s not disposed to fall in love again just to get crushed to pieces. If Donghyuck won’t let Renjun be his net, then Jaemin will jump without one.

Jaemin’s attempt at avoiding everyone backfires the next day, when he wakes up scarily early to have breakfast alone.

However, when he catches the subtle noises coming from the kitchen, he vacillates. He wonders for a moment if he truly has so much bad luck that Donghyuck might have woken up at this time, but his logic reminds him that last night Donghyuck was arguing with Renjun, and both of them will be too exhausted to get out of bed until one of the managers drags them out.

It doesn’t cross his mind that perhaps Donghyuck didn’t sleep at all.

When he steps into the kitchen, Donghyuck is there, a badly made cheese sandwich forgotten in front of him. He’s staring at the table, his elbows on the wood and his palms supporting his forehead, and Jaemin fears that he’s crying, that he’s just walked into Lee Donghyuck having a breakdown over a fight with his boyfriend.

At least that helps Jaemin to forget that his priority was, until seconds ago, to not cross paths with him. The possibility of Donghyuck crying shatters his will to hide, and then Donghyuck raises his head and glances at him, eyes red and dark circles underneath.

He’s not crying, but Jaemin can tell that he hasn’t rested tonight, and that flame that is always burning in his eyes is gone; he’s so, so tired, and his exhaustion isn’t just physical.

“Morning,” Donghyuck grumbles, voice hoarse.

Jaemin acknowledges him with a nod, but he’s unable to speak. Donghyuck doesn’t seem disposed to engage beyond that, because his attention returns to the table, ignoring that his sandwich is getting cold and won’t be edible in a few minutes. Jaemin doesn’t have any appetite either, not now that Donghyuck is with him.

Silence spreads while Jaemin makes his own breakfast, aware that it’s too late to crawl back into his room. Donghyuck wouldn’t point fingers at him, but Jaemin’s pride doesn’t allow him to hide, especially when Donghyuck is so open about how bad he feels too.

Jaemin sits across Donghyuck and instead of eating, plays with the leftovers from last night. He isn’t sure for how long they stay there, suffocated by the quietness of their dorm, ignoring that both of them are completely undone.

Jaemin is the only one who lifts his head after a while, daring to stare at Donghyuck. This has gotten out of hand, and watching Donghyuck agonize over the situation just makes Jaemin realize that this is unnecessary. Donghyuck never fights with Renjun, not real fights, and whether it’s because Renjun disapproved of his actions – the fact that he exposed their relationship – or because he wants to protect Jaemin, Jaemin has become the bump on their road.

Perhaps that’s why Jaemin sputters, “I don’t like Renjun.”

Donghyuck’s reaction isn’t immediate. He’s petrified for a few seconds, until he lets out a sarcastic scoff, but he doesn’t bother to spare Jaemin a glance.

“Okay,” Donghyuck says, just that.

Donghyuck doesn’t _believe_ him. And it angers Jaemin, because he’s here gathering his courage to have this conversation again just for Donghyuck to silence him. There’s no reason for Donghyuck to be so adamant about this.

“I’m serious.”

Jaemin could drop it, but he doesn't want to. His life is confusing enough, their personalities blurring under the spotlight, fusing when they don't have time for themselves and for each other, and now Donghyuck is imposing these feelings on him.

He hates this, hates that deep inside, he's afraid Donghyuck might be right. Jeno reached the same conclusion, and that's what plants the seed of doubt in him. When they're too busy putting their façade on, it's impossible to swim through all the emotions that pour on them. Maybe Jaemin hasn't had time to explore if his affection for Renjun has grown into something solider, but still, that's his problem.

Not Donghyuck's problem.

Donghyuck sighs, rubbing his face, and lifts his head at last. “Jaemin, please.”

But it's not a plea for Jaemin to shut up, it's the opposite. Donghyuck's head must not be here right now, but on the argument with his boyfriend, while Jaemin is just running in circles about what was said yesterday, about contradicting Donghyuck again and again until he surrenders and admits he made up Jaemin's crush on Renjun.

Donghyuck doesn't.

“We’ve known each other since we were kids,” Donghyuck whispers, blinking down at his food for a second. His brown eyes pierce through Jaemin one second later, those eyes that he's been infatuated with for years, that still manage to make his heart skip a beat. “I learned _love_ through you, through the way you looked at me and treated me. I can recognize that in you when you’re with Renjun.”

Jaemin should have gotten used to the pain, but this is the most visceral, painful thing Donghyuck has ever told him.

Jaemin taught him love, and that makes sense, because Donghyuck learned to love by being loved. They barely had any other friends, just rivals and classmates that they couldn't connect with because they always saw them as future celebrities, future figures to leech on. Away from their parents and in such a cruel industry, the only true love came from each other. Jaemin can relate to that. He learned friendship through Jeno first, learned to be a caring figure by protecting Jisung, and recognized the first butterflies in his stomach thanks to Donghyuck.

All Jaemin had to offer him has ended up in Renjun's arms, all Donghyuck absorbed from his heart is what makes Renjun happy today, and what makes Jaemin miserable in return.

Jaemin grips the edge of the table for balance, noticing that the kitchen is dangerously slanting under him, and grunts, “You’re just telling yourself this.”

Donghyuck stares at him, not understanding that Jaemin is brimming with rage. Jaemin has to fight about all those traits that make him despise himself, because if he loses that battle, he’ll spit something that he’ll regret.

“Is it because it makes you feel better?” Jaemin continues, a bitter smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. Donghyuck swallows and his face falls at the accusation, but he doesn't deny that he could be doing this out of selfishness. “Even if I was in love with him too, it wouldn’t hurt less, okay? You’re looking for forgiveness, for me to forgive you for not loving me and then dating someone that is _our_ friend. But you don't need that, Donghyuck, _fuck_. You don’t owe me anything.”

Either because Jaemin has never been so crude or because he's not expecting Jaemin to fight back at all, Donghyuck loses his patience. He pushes his plate away, slams his fist on the table, not caring that it's so early that they will get murdered if they wake up one of the members, and then has to take a couple of deep breaths not to snap at Jaemin.

This is easier. Jaemin _knows_ and prefers this Donghyuck, the one that screams and has the guts to say the truth, not the one that pretends that he can care equally about Jaemin's feelings and Renjun's feelings.

“Do you think it makes me happy that you like my boyfriend?” Donghyuck spits at him, hands shaking. He shouldn't be happy, especially knowing that Jaemin is Renjun's rock when he's promoting with his other unit. “What the fuck, Jaemin. This was never about you, I told you years ago, but for once it is.”

Jaemin doesn't know what that means, so he closes his mouth shut, ignoring the pressure around his chest. There are so many reproaches he could throw at Donghyuck, but it would lead them nowhere. Jaemin hasn't been a perfect friend for Donghyuck either.

Donghyuck's voice is just a whisper when he adds, “Sometimes I just think that you’re closer to Renjun than I am, that you know him better.”

That almost makes Jaemin laugh, but it gives him some perspective too.

Donghyuck and Renjun didn't immediately become close. Renjun was quite shy at first, which is unimaginable now, and Donghyuck was the earthquake he has always been. They didn't clash, but they didn't mesh either. One year later, even before they started dating, they had already developed the ability of making all of them feel like they were interrupting an intimate moment. It didn't matter whether they were in front of the cameras or alone, protected by the privacy of their dorm or the van: one shared glance was enough to spark each other, to spark those emotions that, back then, none of them had understood.

Jaemin should have recognized his own feelings reflected on Donghyuck's face. He should have known.

If promotions were bound to be difficult because Jaemin had to face Donghyuck after ignoring him for months, the fight just turns them into a living hell.

But Jaemin, as usual, gets used to it.

Renjun returns to the bedroom, though their nights together are different, full of silences that have their own voice. It doesn't matter anyway, because their schedule is packed and they rarely have time to sleep, so Jaemin doesn't dwell much into the wasted opportunities. He tries to balance it out with how well _We go up_ does, with how everyone is more worried about Mark’s leave in a few months than about their strange love triangle, and Jaemin manages to find some normality there.

Promotions are a stage he knows well. His façade is perfectly built, and he’s mastered the words, the tone and the expression he must display in public; and when he doesn't feel like pretending, he stays silent. It's just so easy to let the others do it for him.

Donghyuck is always loud and happy for everyone, a charisma that carries them when they're feeling down, and Jaemin would dare to say that he's better at this game than him – it's not as odd as it seems, because Jaemin is sure that Donghyuck crushes him in all aspects.

He gets to breathe when Donghyuck and Mark disappear for certain performances, but it's strange to go to festivals without them. It's strange to sit with Renjun in the van and have that tingling need of holding his hand, of smiling at him without words, of letting him rest his head on Jaemin's shoulder so that he can sleep a bit longer.

It's all Jaemin's head, he's aware of that. He could reach out to him, because Renjun stills speaks to him like nothing changed, like he doesn't believe that Jaemin is in love with him. Neither Renjun nor Donghyuck repudiate him, but it's Jaemin himself who is uncomfortable, who feels like he's crossing a line if he makes Renjun laugh, or if he cooks for him, or if they go out to have a coffee date together.

Renjun is like a ticking bomb, and he ticks and ticks until he runs out of energy. Jaemin isn't paying enough attention, however, to foresee that Renjun has hit his limit.

It comes in form of Renjun walking through their bedroom past midnight, once they've streamed their own song a few times and their manager has scolded them for not sleeping. It's probably the earliest they've gone to bed in the last three months, so they should be grateful to have one night to rest, but all of them are used to running on little sleep.

Renjun has never intimidated by their managers, and that’s how he ends up right next to Jaemin’s bed with a firm, “Can I sleep with you?”

Maybe Jaemin is so tired that he’s having hallucinations.

“What?” he gurgles out, pushing the covers down to look at him. Renjun is hugging his own pillow, and Jaemin would be lying if he said he doesn’t melt at his pleading eyes. With a sigh, Jaemin whispers, “Renjun.”

That’s enough of an answer, which doesn’t mean that Renjun is going to accept it and go back to his bed. Jaemin expects him to put up a fight, but he doesn’t expect Renjun to pout at him and speak with that voice he only uses when he’s about to burst into tears.

“I just don't get it, Jaemin,” Renjun protests, squeezing his pillow so hard that Jaemin is sure it will deform forever. “Donghyuck told you that he didn't want anything to change. But you aren't the same to me anymore, and I don't _understand_ it.”

It takes Jaemin one second to realize that Renjun isn’t merely complaining because he wants affection: he’s on the verge of throwing a whole childish fit right here and right now. Jaemin isn’t foreign to this, but pushing Renjun into this state requires a very specific amount of desperation, frustration and sadness. Renjun is going to drag him with him if Jaemin lets him.

Jaemin sits up, shaking, and tries to find the right words so that Renjun doesn’t break at last.

“Maybe I'm doing this so nothing changes,” is what Jaemin opts for.

Because if Jaemin keeps treating Renjun like he’s always had – that behavior that led Donghyuck to assume he had a crush on him – Donghyuck will inevitably get jealous. Both of Renjun and Jaemin; that’s the only certainty Jaemin has.

“What are you talking about?” Renjun asks, scowling. He takes another step forward, and then _whines_ , “Let me sleep with you.”

Jaemin can’t believe his eyes when Renjun has enough courage to dip his knee into the mattress, but thankfully he reacts in time and sets his hand on Renjun’s abdomen to block him. It’s a ridiculous situation, probably the most ridiculous situation he’s ever lived, because Renjun is acting like one of those huge dogs that don’t understand that they don’t fit on their owner’s lap. Except Renjun would fit anywhere with that size, and Jaemin wants him in his bed, but his logic advises him against it.

“You can't just get into my bed without permission,” Jaemin warns him, gazing up at Renjun.

Whether Renjun detects this is an act or not, a challenge is the last thing that would convince him to recoil. It’s a beginner’s mistake, and Jaemin has to bite his tongue not to curse out loud.

“I can't?” Renjun repeats, gawking at him. He wraps his hand around Jaemin’s wrist in an attempt to push him away, but before Jaemin can say another word, Renjun announces, “Watch me.”

Jaemin is stunned at first, because Renjun just jumps on him, pillow included, and both of them wrestle on the bed. Jaemin is unable to hurt Renjun in any way, but unlike him, Renjun doesn’t have any problem with using the pillow to suffocate him. Their limbs entangle and the pillow ends up on the floor, but in the middle of the chaos, Jaemin finds himself laughing out loud. He digs his fingers onto Renjun’s side until he’s writhing with laughter, telling him to stop, until Jaemin has pinned him on the bed and Renjun can’t fight anymore.

He forgets that his aim was preventing Renjun from invading his bed, but it’s easy to forget his own values when Renjun smiles up at him, so pretty without make-up, his lips dark and his smile bright.

Jaemin collapses on top of Renjun, accepting defeat. Renjun is already on his bed, and he’s stubborn, so even if Jaemin got up and went to the other bed, Renjun would trail after him just to prove a point. Renjun’s laughter sounds breathy under his weight, but instead of pushing him off, Renjun just wraps his arms around him and lets Jaemin find the right position not to crush him. Jaemin ends up partially covering Renjun, his head tucked in the crook of his neck, and his leg trapping both of Renjun's thighs. It's been a while since they've been so close to each other, but Jaemin can't bother to question whether they should do this or not. Jaemin only has a few minutes before Renjun's legs go numb and he wants to switch positions, so he makes the best of it, nuzzling Renjun's neck and enjoying how Renjun caresses his hair.

“I hate you,” Jaemin concludes in a mutter that dies against Renjun's soft skin.

Renjun knows that he isn't serious, so he releases a subtle snort.

“You love this, don't lie,” he retorts. He makes a pause, a calmness that wasn't there before spreading around them, but Jaemin can't hear if they woke up anyone else, if Renjun shut up not to get caught. One second later, he whispers, “See? The world didn't end.”

“Yet.”

Jaemin detaches from him just in time to catch Renjun rolling his eyes. He smiles down at Renjun, considering that he could have been a lot crueler than this; a cuddling session seems like a favor even. Renjun should have prompted an argument with him for being immature.

Pupils trembling, Renjun curls a strand of Jaemin's hair around his index finger and says, “We can talk about it if you want to, too, okay? Just because I'm dating Donghyuck, that doesn't mean-”

Jaemin can't get mad at Renjun. His sincerity is raw, no filter to adorn his words, and that's both the most dangerous and the most endearing thing about him. All of them have learned to say the truth even if it hurts their personal feelings, and that makes it hard for Jaemin to resent Renjun's honesty.

But it's still shocking, and Jaemin looks at Renjun with incredulity for a few seconds, “You want me to tell you about how I'm in love with your boyfriend?”

Against all odds, the choice of words doesn't disturb Renjun. The situation is weird, fucking weird for Jaemin, and he can't wrap his head around how natural this seems to be for Renjun instead. Dating a band mate? Normal. Talking about it with the boy that has been in love with him for years, who also happens to be another band mate? Normal.

Perhaps it is. After all, they only have each other.

Renjun licks his lips, trying to evaluate if Jaemin is offended, and responds, “If you want to.”

It should be crazy that Jaemin isn't disposed to disregard that offer as soon as it comes. Renjun's gaze is innocent, drenched in understanding. And there's no pity, because Renjun doesn't think that he's doing him a favor. He's just Renjun, his friend, the one who has been lending him a hand and an ear for two whole years.

“I'm stupid, Renjun,” Jaemin hears himself say, before he can consciously make a decision.

He can't bear Renjun's attention on him, however, so he twists on his back and fixes his stare on the ceiling. It's dark enough to conceal his expression if he wants to, but Renjun doesn't give him space, interpreting his movement as a signal to move onto his side and use Jaemin's arm as his pillow.

Jaemin appreciates the gesture, because it's that tiny gesture that prompts him to continue, “But I don't know how to stop. Normal people move on, right? They don't spend all their life fixed on the same person, knowing that it will never happen.”

He has no idea if Renjun knows what he's talking about. He doubts Renjun has ever gotten his heart broken; god, he’s never mentioned a crush before, so Jaemin supposes that Donghyuck is his first too. They have that in common, despite all the differences.

“I don't know,” Renjun answers after a while, tenderly gripping the front of Jaemin's pajama. He strokes circles there, pensive, though Jaemin suspects he's just allowing him to breathe. It isn't an easy conversation, and they might regret it as soon as the sun goes up. “I think your first love never goes away.”

Jaemin tastes the bitterness of that on his own tongue. He wishes his first love would go away, but deep inside he has to agree with Renjun. Even if one day his feelings for Donghyuck vanish, if they become dull enough for Jaemin to see him only as a friend, he won't ever forget that Donghyuck was his first love.

“It's not a first love if it's one-sided,” Jaemin reflects. Or that's how it feels for him. He doesn't feel like this is worthy of being called a first love; it's just pain and anxiety and shame.

“That's not true,” Renjun retorts. He glances up at Jaemin, much to his disgrace, but he reads Jaemin's discomfort and presses against his side, hiding his face. “One-sided or not, no one forgets the first time.”

Jaemin's breath catches in his throat. This isn't about Donghyuck.

When Renjun’s hand clenches over his tummy, Jaemin notices that Renjun isn't as calm as he seems, as he _should_ be. The rhythm of his breathing has accelerated, and this is beyond unusual in Renjun, who is so used to the spotlight that his nerves have become pure steel.

Jaemin has always prided himself in his ability to read Renjun. His thoughts, his gestures, his mood. He spent their first year protecting him and helping him to go out of his shell, making sure that he never felt discriminated because he was the last one to arrive. Jaemin was always there for him, and yet Renjun never spoke about love, about boys.

And Jaemin might not understand why Renjun is so nervous right now, if this is just a consequence of baring himself at last, but Jaemin has one certainty about him.

Donghyuck is his first love, but it's not Renjun's.

“This is our last day of promotions,” Jeno mutters, accommodating on Jaemin’s lap without shame.

It’s one of those nights when none of them can’t sleep, and it’s, like Jeno says, their last day of promotions together.

Jaemin never knows how to feel about this: it’s a relief because he gets to sleep and rest after a whole month of exhaustion, but the adrenaline that keeps him awake and happy disappears too. Their schedule is messed up by then, since they’re used to going to bed at two in the morning and wake up, the latest, at four. That’s the reason the whole group is playing in the living room, taking advantage of the fact that their manager fell asleep like a bear about to go into hibernation.

Jisung and Chenle are watching videos, lying face down on the floor, while Renjun and Donghyuck are on the smaller couch, covered with a blanket and laughing about whatever Renjun is telling Donghyuck in a whisper. Jaemin tries not to stare at them, because they look so content, because he doesn’t want to intrude in their peace before they have to pull apart for months again. Even as a friend, Jaemin isn’t entitled to the nuances of their relationship, and he can’t dictate whether they should cling onto the last hours together or not.

But he wishes he could enjoy Donghyuck’s company too before he leaves, guilt twisting in his guts as he realizes that he’s wasted time – time being sad, being angry at Donghyuck, not allowing him to reconcile like they should have.

He isn’t sure if his turmoil is evident, but when Jeno and Mark join him on the couch, it’s obviously their own way of distracting him. Jaemin lets Jeno cuddle him, and Mark lies on his back, propping up his feet on both of them. Jeno blocks the view of Donghyuck and Renjun flirting, at least part of it, so Jaemin takes it as a sign to let it go.

“Yeah,” he replies at last, since Jeno is throwing him a sad look because Mark didn’t pay him attention either. “We have some festivals ahead anyhow.”

“But Mark and Donghyuck probably won’t come,” Jeno retorts, aware that Jaemin is too distracted to be upset about that.

“Don’t be sad,” Mark says, shaking his leg over their laps. He grins at them, and then with a small goofy laugh, he adds, “We love you guys the most.”

Jeno playfully glares at him. “I’m going to tell Johnny.”

Even though Jaemin doesn’t want to involve himself in their bickering, he still points out, “You can’t even talk to him without stuttering.”

“I’m making _progress_ ,” Jeno whines, whipping his head to hide his face in Jaemin’s arm. But that’s a lie: all of them are shier than usual with the older members, except Donghyuck and Mark for obvious reasons. It’s normal, however, because they don’t spend a lot of time with them and no matter how nice they are, it’s always a bit flustering. “You’re not better than me.”

“I’m not,” Jaemin admits.

Mark cackles out loud at that, which gains him a slap from Jeno. Their aim is to keep their noise to a minimum level so that the manager doesn’t wake up, but that’s always a hard mission considering Mark finds everything and anything funny.

Jaemin closes his eyes with a smile dancing on his lips, while Jeno and Mark hiss words at each other for fun. It’s a normality that Jaemin can rarely enjoy, and even if his friends don’t seem to dwell on it right now, not as they’re experiencing it, Jaemin does. He runs his fingers through Jeno’s hair, smiling when Jeno starts humming in pleasure, but they stay like that, only the rumbling of voices breaking the silence from time to time.

When Jaemin opens his eyes again, he can’t tell how much time has passed. Mark isn’t by their side anymore, and Jeno is softly snoring, all tangled up in his embrace. Chenle and Jisung have taken the couch where Renjun and Donghyuck were before, and it takes Jaemin a moment to realize that they must have gone to sleep too. That means that Renjun must be alone, since Donghyuck and Mark share a room, and Jaemin doesn’t want him to spend this last night alone.

Jaemin is very careful as he moves Jeno off his lap, and he tucks him under the blanket despite the giggles coming from Chenle. It’s always the two of them who receive this kind of affection, so Jaemin supposes that it’s odd to see his hyungs act that way to each other in front of them with that casualness.

Jaemin sends flying kisses to both of them as a joke, and while Jisung pulls a disgusted face, Chenle responds with another kiss. That keeps Jaemin content as he strolls through the hall, tiptoeing not to make any noise. The only problem he has is that the door of his room is a bit oxidized, so he has to push it open inch by inch so it doesn’t creak.

He’s so focused on being silent that he doesn’t catch the noises coming from inside. His heartbeat is deafening enough to keep him ignorant until the door is wide open and, at last, he takes a peek at the inside.

It doesn’t matter that it has always been a possibility. Renjun and Donghyuck were careful, considerate, but Jaemin realizes that tonight is different. It’s easy to forget about hurting someone’s feelings when their own feelings are brittle and, after tonighy, they won’t see each other in a long time.

Jaemin knows that Donghyuck won’t ever love him, but seeing it with his own two eyes is different. It’s different because everything he won’t ever have is on display for him. Donghyuck’s half naked body over Renjun, arching as Renjun’s hands roams on his back, both of them kissing with hunger and familiarity – a combination that goes straight to Jaemin’s insides.

Renjun isn’t completely clothed either, and though Jaemin can’t see under the covers, he knows there isn’t a single breath of air separating them. That’s why Renjun is quietly moaning into Donghyuck’s mouth, why Donghyuck caresses him with so much impatience, like they’re running out of time to kiss. Because he needs more, that intimacy they’re not allowed to have in a world that is constantly watching them. An intimacy they thought they could get tonight before Jaemin walked in on them.

Jaemin is unable to step back and leave them alone. It’s what he has to do, but he can’t. He’s rooted there, stuck on those few seconds that become an eternity, a thousand needles piercing through his chest. He can’t hear the noise that he lets out either, he just knows that it alerts both Donghyuck and Renjun, and they startle to look back at him.

Jaemin doesn’t belong here.

The gasp that slips out of Donghyuck’s mouth makes Jaemin flinch, and he finds himself stumbling back, hitting his back against the edge of the door. He can’t make out his friends’ expressions anymore, but he knows how fucked up this is. Not just because he interrupted them, but because he was watching them, because there was a pull to stay even if he wasn’t part of it.

“Shit,” Donghyuck grunts, but he doesn’t sound mad or ashamed, and for once Jaemin can’t understand him at all.

Jaemin has nowhere to go. He can’t leave the dorm in the middle of the night without prior warning because if he gets caught, he’ll be punished for months. Still he turns around and manages to utter a dry, “I’m sorry.”

And he’s truly sorry.

The path to the bathroom is interminable. Jaemin doesn’t remember anymore that he’s supposed to be quiet, but he remembers that he’ll hate himself if he cries for this. He shuts the door close behind him and sits on the toilet, shoving his fist into his mouth not to cry out loud. He bites his knuckles until it hurts, but not even that prevents him from letting out small sobs, from feeling like he’s collapsing after standing up for years. The burning sensation in his chest is only suffocated by the own burning of his tears streaming down his cheeks. Jaemin can’t control it, can’t understand why it hurts so much if he already _knew_ , if it just hurts more because the tingling in his stomach reveals all he has been working to hide.

It’s impossible to hide in a bathroom, and it’s impossible to hide from himself. When there’s a soft knock on the door, Jaemin is aware that he has no right to behave this way, and overall, that whoever is knocking is doing it as a warning. Not as a way to ask for permission. He doesn’t need to raise his head to know that it’s Donghyuck who walks in, because Renjun would never invade his privacy, not even to try to make him feel better.

Donghyuck doesn’t say a word at first, but he kneels in front of Jaemin, carefully touches his legs to let him know that he’s there. Even though Jaemin isn’t brave enough to look into his eyes, he perceives the disarrangement of his clothes and his hair, since he must have had no time to make himself look decent.

“Jaemin,” Donghyuck calls him, voice wavering. Jaemin doesn’t answer, and despite how shameful it is, he can’t even bring himself to stop biting his fist. That’s the reason Donghyuck encircles his wrist, pulling so that Jaemin moves his hand away, so that he doesn’t hurt himself. “You can go in. I’m sorry about that.”

Donghyuck _has_ to be making fun of him. It’s just insane that he thinks Jaemin can step into his bedroom after walking into them in the middle of an intimate moment. The mere possibility makes bile rise in his throat.

“Are you kidding me?” Jaemin mutters. Donghyuck finally holds his wrists and forces him to put his hands on his thighs. No matter how humiliating it feels, Jaemin keeps his head low. “I’ll just sleep with Mark.”

Maybe that way Renjun and Donghyuck can pretend that nothing happened, that it’s just the two of them in the dorm. For Jaemin, sleeping in Donghyuck’s bed, surrounded by his perfume and by his belongings isn’t an ideal option, but he prefers it tonight.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Donghyuck sounds sharper this time, the tendons of his arms bulging while he presses harder around Jaemin’s wrists. “I’m not blaming you but after that obviously neither Renjun nor me are in the mood for-”

Just in time, Donghyuck realizes that his words will just worsen the situation. Both of them know what would have happened if Jaemin hadn’t entered. Jaemin has no idea whether they’ve ever gone that far or it doesn’t hold that much importance for them at this point.

Donghyuck swallows, and though Jaemin has been repressing it since Donghyuck got into the bathroom, a soft sob escapes between his lips. It’s his own fault, but that little sound winds up crashing into him, exposing his feelings to Donghyuck like he’s never done before.

And Jaemin doesn’t know how he has the courage to speak, the guts to reproach for the first time that Donghyuck doesn’t love him, “You don’t live alone.”

That’s such a selfish thought. But he’s doing his best to ignore that his friends are crazily in love with each other, and he’s sure that there should be limits, like not hooking up in the room of the boy that is in love with him.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Donghyuck answers. It isn’t a defense, but the only way he has to assure Jaemin that, despite this mess, they don’t want to hurt him. That they care about him. “We were just going to sleep together, nothing else, because we thought you had fallen asleep on the couch.”

Jaemin believes him, and that’s the worst part. He can imagine Donghyuck and Renjun taking advantage of the moment just to sleep in each other’s arms, and that pulverizes Jaemin’s rancor until it’s just ashes and the confirmation that he’s a horrible person.

“You don’t have to justify yourself,” Jaemin assures him, but it’s hard to be convincing when there are tears on his face, when he can’t control his own body or stop crying in front of Donghyuck. “He’s your boyfriend.”

Donghyuck tries to cup his face, to make Jaemin lift his chin, but Jaemin shakes his head and grunts at him. Perhaps that’s the last straw that drives Donghyuck to snap at him, because he can’t keep trying to mend their problems while Jaemin just sinks deeper into them, not disposed to accept the truth.

“I want to justify myself, so what?” Donghyuck breaks at last, drawing away from him. “I’m fucking telling you to get back into your room where Renjun is _crying_ so please do and don’t push my buttons further.”

It’s either the mention of Renjun crying or the pure desperation in Donghyuck’s voice, but Jaemin automatically stares into Donghyuck’s eyes.

There’s raw, bleeding pain there, and it strikes Jaemin just as hard. Because Jaemin doesn’t allow Donghyuck to communicate with him. Because his boyfriend has kicked him out of his room, and their night is ruined, Donghyuck kneeling down in their bathroom at three in the morning. Donghyuck isn’t more experienced than them, and Jaemin and Renjun are pinning on him a bunch of responsibilities that he can’t handle. The consequences of making a mistake are so big that Donghyuck is terrified, and that’s what Jaemin senses tonight, in his eyes, in his expression, in the way his lips are turned downwards like he’s about to cry with him too.

But Jaemin is terrified too. He wishes he could hold Donghyuck’s delicate face between his hands and assure that Renjun isn’t mad at him, that Jaemin himself isn’t either, but that’s not true. It’s not fair that Donghyuck is asking him to console Renjun, because Jaemin might have provoked this, but in last instance he can’t just wipe his feelings off and sacrifice himself for Renjun’s sake.

That’s not how it works. Consoling Renjun is in Donghyuck’s hands, and it’s his duty as the boy that is supposed to take care of him. Jaemin can’t carry the weight of their relationship apart from carrying his own load.

“And why don’t _you_ fix that?” Jaemin asks Donghyuck, trying not to show that he’s upset, that he doesn’t want to help Donghyuck under any circumstance. Not tonight.

Donghyuck’s lower lip wobbles, but he doesn’t look away.

“I don’t know, Jaemin. He cares more about you being hurt than about not ruining the last night we can spend together,” he says, and he sounds so wounded, as though both Jaemin and Renjun have been whipping small cuts on him until he had a thousand of them, that Jaemin knows that Donghyuck can’t do this any longer. He’s bleeding out. “So if you want to stay in the bathroom, stay, but you’re not taking my damn bed, because I’m going to my room.”

Before Jaemin can open his mouth, Donghyuck is already scrambling to stand on his feet. It’s the right moment to stop him, but Jaemin is too shocked to react; his influence over Donghyuck and Renjun is terrifying, borderline bitter, and he has been a fool for thinking that he couldn’t break them apart.

Donghyuck is used to hurting him, but Renjun isn’t.

Jaemin doesn’t move until the silence expands all throughout the dorm. The bathroom is his refuge for ten minutes, fifteen, twenty, as he listens to Jisung and Chenle shuffling to their room too. Jaemin is sure that Jeno won’t budge from the couch, since he’s a heavy sleeper, and that’s Jaemin’s cue to move.

Considering his bad luck, Jaemin doesn’t have any expectation about how he’s going to confront Renjun. That should be easier than having another argument with Donghyuck, however, unless Renjun isn’t directing his frustration only at Donghyuck. Jaemin’s worst nightmare is to argue with Renjun, because they just _don’t_ , and it would be the confirmation that despite Donghyuck’s efforts, everything has changed between them.

But it has been a while since Donghyuck left the room, so the last thing Jaemin imagines is that Renjun could still be crying. The lights are off, but he didn’t close the curtains, and Jaemin can perfectly catch the movement of Renjun’s body as he sobs, face down on the mattress. Jaemin’s presence goes unnoticed, which isn’t a surprise – at this point Renjun must be blind, deaf and have an awful headache from crying.

Jaemin could just slip into his bed and pretend, but he feels like he owes this to Renjun. To Donghyuck too, since he had no option but to abandon his boyfriend.

Lingering by the door, Jaemin whispers, “Renjun?”

There’s a pause before Renjun manages to stop sobbing and warns, “Don’t.”

Renjun would never cross that line, but Jaemin isn’t him, and he knows that when Renjun puts up his walls, it’s the exact moment he needs someone to kick them down. Anyone else would fear a rejection, but Jaemin doesn’t; when he walks up to Renjun’s bed and lies behind him, he’s aware that Renjun isn’t going to snap at him.

Instead Renjun melts against his chest, crying louder as soon as Jaemin sets his arms around his waist and tugs him closer. Asphyxiating Renjun in a back hug comforts him, his little sobs dwindling by the second, so Jaemin perseveres.

Only when Renjun’s breathing evens, only when his body doesn’t shake anymore, does Jaemin ask, “Why are you still crying?”

Despite how intrusive that question is, Renjun doesn’t chide him. He holds onto Jaemin’s hand, perched on his abdomen, as though he’s trying to draw energy from him. To Jaemin’s relief, he’s already reached a level of calmness that won’t push Renjun into another fit of tears, but that security is fragile.

“How can you ask that?” he says, a rhetorical question that Jaemin can’t understand.

Jaemin just wants Renjun to be happy, it isn’t that hard.

It’s been an eternity since Jaemin cared about his own happiness, but that egoistic side of him pulls at this patience, reminding him that he could just plead with Renjun to leave Donghyuck’s side and, perhaps, Renjun would do it. Not right away, because Renjun’s feelings – just like Jaemin’s feelings – can’t evaporate from night to morning, but the mere pressure of knowing that he’s making Jaemin miserable would bite off his relationship with Donghyuck little by little.

Jaemin wouldn’t forgive himself after that. He’s witnessed with his own eyes how happy Renjun is with Donghyuck. Just as happy as Jaemin is, under all those layers of suffering that hide his resilience, when he’s not thinking beyond their friendship.

“You shouldn’t feel bad for me,” Jaemin hears his own voice, velvety and soothing, answering what’s best for Renjun. The strain in Renjun’s body disappears, deflating under Jaemin’s hold. “And about Donghyuck- you’ll talk it out with him tomorrow, you know that.”

Whether it stings Jaemin’s pride or not, it’s an undeniable truth that Renjun and Donghyuck will solve their argument. Not because arguing is natural for them and they can bounce back without trouble, not because Jaemin was already a factor once they started dating, and not because this is the last day for them to be together and they’ll soften.

They just love each other, and Jaemin knows how to love, but he doesn’t know what being loved feels like, how addicting it would be to have Donghyuck whisper _I love you’s_ at night. Renjun might pity him, but for Donghyuck, Renjun is his drug, his happiness in a world of control and façades, and he won’t let go even if it breaks the group apart.

It’s just a matter of time Renjun realizes that Donghyuck is his lifesaver too, and when he reaches that point, it’ll be game over for Jaemin.

_May, 2019_

At first, it’s just a joke.

Harvey is handsome, that’s irrefutable. Even Jaemin can’t help but make a few comments in front of the cameras, a bit taken aback at how pretty his eyes are and how his smile expands into the glint of his pupils every single time.

On the contrary, working with him is pretty chaotic. They don’t have Mark or Donghyuck around, so communicating is a challenge for most of them – that’s what makes them nervous upon meeting Harvey, apart from the cameras and the culture breach. All of them are pretty accommodating, and Renjun has always been a people’s person, so despite his lack of English skills, he does his best to keep Harvey entertained and comfortable.

On the first meeting, Jaemin observes them with curiosity. Renjun often doesn’t find the right words to express himself and opts for body language, or asks very basic questions that help him to get his message across. Harvey never laughs at him, and Jaemin is sure that’s the reason Renjun doesn’t feel intimidated. If anything, it’s Harvey who has reasons to be intimidated, since he’s the only one who doesn’t share a language with them and is surrounded by staff that doesn’t leave them alone for a single second.

They have to practice together before shooting the music video, but that’s scheduled for a different day, so they shoot the promotional clips together and part ways not long after. Even if it’s just a song that won’t be promoted in shows, Jaemin can feel that buzz of energy in the group, the satisfaction of going back to work and feeling useful.

Having Harvey serves as a transition too, because while Donghyuck’s absence is casual, Mark’s is permanent. It’d be rough for them to go straight into the next album and not have Mark recording and practicing with them, so Jaemin is grateful that inevitable pressure isn’t being poured on them just yet.

“He’s really pretty, right?” Renjun comments that night, as soon as Jaemin comes back from the shower.

Jaemin hasn't even had time to dry his hair and change into his clothes, and despite the impatience in his tone, Renjun doesn't glance at him. It's not because Jaemin's nakedness bothers him – they've seen each other’s bodies so many times that Jaemin is sure that no one else will be able to catch up, other than Jeno and Donghyuck – and that's proof that, for some reason, Renjun is interested in talking about Harvey. It wouldn't mean anything coming from the other boys, but Renjun doesn't mention boys just because, and Jaemin has a hunch.

He slips into his underwear, momentarily leaving the towel over his bed, and sits down to look at Renjun. He's typing on his phone, but Jaemin knows that all his attention is on a possible answer.

“I guess,” Jaemin concedes. Of course Harvey is pretty, and there shouldn't be any reason to discuss that, so Jaemin leans forward and adds, “You shouldn’t be looking at other boys like that.”

That forces Renjun to glance at him, pink on his cheeks, but he catches on Jaemin's game in time and rolls his eyes to conceal his first reaction.

“I’m sure Donghyuck wouldn’t care,” he muses, pouting a little.

This should be strange, but it isn't. Both of them have eyes and can feel attracted to an obviously handsome boy that they've never met before. Jaemin admits that their love life, in general, is quite boring. Not for Renjun and Donghyuck, since they found each other, but it's almost impossible to meet new people. Trustable people that have a lot to lose too if they're outed, at least, and that don't already belong to their group. The older members don't count, even if Jaemin has always had a knack for Yuta and Renjun used to laugh at Ten's jokes like he was the funniest man on earth.

They don't have the chance to whisper about crushes and pretty boys and possible flings, so it's comprehensible that Renjun isn't ashamed of appreciating other boys that aren't Donghyuck, especially when Donghyuck isn't around.

“Oh, Injun, I’m sure he’d get a bit jealous,” Jaemin teases him, laughing out loud. Donghyuck would be the first one to notice that Harvey is attractive, but if he had witnessed Renjun's behavior today, he'd be in this bedroom clinging on him. Sending Renjun a subtle smirk, Jaemin explains, “But he’d just have to take care of Harvey himself to prevent you from making puppy eyes at him.”

Renjun's mouth falls open, and it takes him one second, two, three, to exclaim, “I didn’t do such thing!”

Forgetting that he's still wet and half-naked, Jaemin drops back on his bed with a fit of laughter. Renjun doesn't stay still in his bed, moved by indignation, and runs to his bed without a single drop of embarrassment despite Jaemin's state. He jumps on the bed, grabs one of Jaemin's arms with no purpose other than trying to fight, and that prompts Jaemin to laugh harder.

“You did,” Jaemin protests. He has the advantage of being stronger than Renjun, so he cages him with one arm and watches him squirm, his efforts dying down at Jaemin's laugh. Even if Jaemin rarely picks on him physically, tonight he earned the punishment himself. “It comes naturally to you.”

Renjun sighs, rubbing his hand over his face to hide that secret hint of satisfaction. Jaemin isn't foreign to Renjun's charms, he's a victim, so Renjun can't just get away with lying. The difference is that Renjun won't get anything from Harvey other than a friendship, and that's the cutest part.

When Renjun recovers his sense of pride and looks at him again, Jaemin realizes how close they are. It isn't extraordinary. They cuddle to sleep all the time, and Renjun always leans his small head on his chest, but somehow tonight this racks all of Jaemin's nerves like an explosive. Perhaps it's because he's only wearing underwear, or because Renjun is licking his lips, or because they're only a breath apart, and if Jaemin breathes too hard, he won't be able to resist the temptation of pressing a kiss on Renjun's lips.

“He's not prettier than you, don't worry,” Renjun says, his amusement fading in the blink of an eye.

“Worry?” Jaemin asks. There's not enough air in his lungs, and all of a sudden his body is burning, brimming with an emotion that he hasn't dwelt in before. But Renjun isn't making fun of him, and that's his biggest problem: the assumption that he could be worried over Renjun having an innocent crush on Harvey. “Do I look worried?”

It doesn't sound as lighthearted as Jaemin intends it to be.

Renjun mulls over it for a few seconds, and like it's a secret, he whispers, “Yes, actually. I wouldn't say so otherwise.”

Jaemin has no idea what's happening. He doesn't understand why he's still here, not moving, his hair drenching the covers and Renjun heavily breathing next to him. He doesn't remember grabbing Renjun's hands, but their hands are tightly united, and the warmth expanding in his chest is a feeling that he can recognize.

A sensation that he can't develop for Renjun. Too dangerous, too thrilling. Another step towards the cliff, except Jaemin has been living on the edge for so long that he doesn't fear falling anymore.

Jaemin only has one way to break this in pieces: with sarcasm.

“I promise I won’t be jealous next time,” he responds, letting his lips stretch into a mocking smile.

Renjun doesn't smile back, but his gaze sparkles with contentment, and he squeezes Jaemin's hands harder, as though he knows he needs the reassurance. The reassurance not to draw away from his emotions in a moment like this, to not lie to himself, and more importantly, the reminder that Renjun isn't going to leave him, no matter what.

However, jokes aren't supposed to hurt.

And Jaemin doesn't want to focus on that, but as the shooting of their music video progresses, his patience runs out. When he's well rested and in a good mood, he's capable of ignoring anything in favor of his sanity. Dorm fights, hunger, being overworked, being dismissed by seniors, getting a scolding.

After a whole morning of shooting his scenes a hundred times, it's impossible for him to peel his mind off Renjun. Renjun, and in this case, Harvey too. All of them sit down to have lunch at midday, just a quick break before they have to get back. Jaemin likes Harvey, really, he's a funny guy and fits in the group pretty well considering he's with a bunch of strangers that don't speak his language, but Renjun seems to like him a bit too much.

It's been a while since Jaemin saw him act like this, that mixture of shyness and candor he used to have when they first debuted. Jaemin recognizes that as the signal that Renjun wants to be _liked,_ which is logical, but there's a limit to how much he can flirt before Jaemin loses his mind.

A revengeful part of him wants to text Donghyuck, just so that Donghyuck bombs Renjun with cute messages and he takes his eyes off Harvey, but that thought shoves Jaemin into the darkest corner of his mind. He wants Renjun to be with _Donghyuck,_ and the only exception to the rule is when Renjun is with him instead.

It's the most horrible realization to have in the middle of work, but Jaemin sits there, poking his food and thinking that if he admits this to himself, then he's fucked. He shouldn't mind whether Renjun flirts with another boy or not. If he can do it without feeling guilty it's because Donghyuck must not care either, and Jaemin is in no place to-

“Hyung.” Chenle's hand sets on his shoulder, fingertips digging deep into his sweater to catch his attention. His voice is so low that only Jaemin can hear him, while the rest are happily chatting and joking, even sharing food. “Breathe, through your nose.”

Jaemin wasn't breathing at all, and when he inhales again, he swears the world tilts around him. He turns his head to Chenle, whose frown just accentuates once he can check Jaemin's expression, and blinks until he manages to remember that he can't have an emotional breakdown right here.

Not over Renjun.

“I'm fine,” Jaemin croaks out, a lie that feels like a betrayal to himself.

Instead of indulging his stubbornness, Chenle gently massages his shoulder and assures, “He's not going to kidnap Renjun. You’re being irrational, and listen, I don't care if you make a fool out of yourself, but you're starting to look a bit pale.”

Chenle never tiptoes around any topic, so Jaemin isn't surprised he spills all his thoughts without any filter. He's ready for it. Jaemin prefers it that way, because if it's true that his feelings are reflecting on his expression, then it's time to get his head straight. He'll have time to agonize over this once he's at the dorm.

“Eat,” Chenle insists, pointing at Jaemin's food with his chin. “I'll just take him to play basketball with me after eating and you'll be able to relax for a while.”

Jaemin doesn't need Chenle to be more clear. All of them have to shoot extra content with Harvey, alone, and it's better if the situation arises without preparing it first. The staff will love it if Chenle convinces him to play around as if they've been friends for years.

That’s not enough consolation, and after taking a few bites of his food, Jaemin decides that he needs to hide in the bathroom. It’s their strategy to run away when they can’t stand the pressure anymore, because no one can deny them a basic need, and though all the members are aware that Jaemin abuses this strategy the most, no one will suspect him if he does it in the middle of lunch.

Since they’re in a private location, Jaemin doesn’t need to fetch the manager before going to the bathroom, and thus he ends up sitting in the toilet for ten minutes. He breathes in, remembers that he’s at _work_ , and that despite the appearances, Renjun is working too.

Besides, Jaemin promised he wouldn’t be jealous. It seemed like a stupid promise days ago, like Renjun was hallucinating feelings that weren’t there at all, but now it’s the only ray of light Jaemin can grip not to embarrass himself.

He doesn’t have time for jealousy, and in consequence, he doesn’t have time to think about why he’s jealous of this in particular. Of Renjun flirting with another boy. If what Jaemin felt towards Donghyuck and Renjun before was jealousy, it was mild compared to the acid gurgling in his stomach right now.

The puzzle in his head is losing all its pieces, and Jaemin fears that one day the four walls of a bathroom won’t be enough to put out the fire cracking inside his head.

_August, 2019_

Jaemin has ten seconds of freedom.

It’s the exact time it takes someone to run from their waiting room to the bathroom, and the exact time before anyone can slam the door open and find him there. It isn’t much time, but Jaemin prays that it’s enough to control the shaking of his hands, or the sensation that he’s going to faint out of anxiety.

Jaemin feels trapped. And he is. He’s spent the last few months in a spiral, just falling deeper and deeper without realizing. Maybe if Donghyuck had been there, Jaemin would have been able to repress his own feelings for Renjun. He wouldn’t have let himself dream or revel in the warmth of Renjun’s body against him at night, in the fascination in Renjun’s eyes when Jaemin laughed at his jokes, or in the comfort of their hands entangled under the covers.

Jaemin played with fire, and now he’s asphyxiating in his own ashes.

Still, he thinks the world is being unfair to him. He’s not over Donghyuck yet – he doubts he will ever be – and he’s not ready to deal with the torrent of pain that Renjun is about to bring him. They’re past the point of return. No one in their right mind would kiss another member in a waiting room, risking their whole careers and their friendship; the life Jaemin has been fighting to build for _years_.

Ten seconds, and his world, already ruined from beginning to end, gets stomped on for the last time.

“Na Jaemin,” the voice of one of the manager calls him. Jaemin hears him open every stall with a little push until he finds Jaemin’s locked one, and then he has the decency of knocking on it. Jaemin doesn’t know whether it’s because he’s seen his horrified expression in the hall, or just because he fears there will be someone else in the bathroom. “Get out of there right now.”

Jaemin knows he has no alternative. At least he’s not crying, even though it would make him feel so much better. He has to bottle up this mistake until he’s safe at the dorm – not so safe in reality, but away from strangers’ eyes and their judgment.

When Jaemin finds the courage to grab the door knob, the situation worsens.

“Hyung,” Renjun says, tender. His tone hints that he’s using all his weapons to fool their manager, and that’s a side of Renjun that not everyone gets to witness. “It’s fine. It was my fault, I’ll apologize.”

It’s easy to make the manager believe it was a fight. In fact, Jaemin is sure that none of their managers would believe they kissed unless they had seen it with their own eyes. Renjun and Jaemin rarely get angry at each other, but it’s happened before, and their managers know they’re mature enough to fix their personal problems on their own.

This isn’t just a _personal problem_ , however. Jaemin shrinks in himself as the manager accepts Renjun’s proposal, lowers his head so that Renjun can’t see the panic on his expression.

Renjun enters slowly, careful, as though he expects Jaemin to shove him out of the bathroom without mercy. Funnily enough, Jaemin doesn’t have enough courage to meet his eyes, even less to touch him or to talk to him, and Renjun seems to notice that right away.

He doesn’t kneel to force Jaemin to look at him, doesn’t try to pull words out of his painful silence. He hugs Jaemin, cradling his head against his torso, rubbing his back and caressing his hair until Jaemin calms down. That’s what Jaemin needs: a damn hug. And though he doesn’t want Renjun’s presence after kissing him, he finds himself hugging Renjun back with desperation, his hands clutching Renjun’s lower back until he can’t feel his fingers anymore. He can’t feel his own body, just Renjun, the only support he has not to burst into tears any moment.

“Jaemin, you don’t have to run away,” Renjun tells him, his chest inflating. The silence in the bathroom is asphyxiating, and Jaemin has no option but to suffocate his sobs in Renjun’s clothes, aware that he’s on the verge of crying and hearing his own noises will give him the last push to break down. Renjun’s touch is the only point of stability for him, so Jaemin agonizes not to lose it. “Maybe you should give me a warning before doing that, but it was a nice kiss.”

Renjun must be kidding. There isn’t any other explanation, because he should be either consoling Jaemin or scolding him for stealing a kiss from him. He shouldn’t be praising his bad choices, choices that could tear friendships apart in a matter of days, and now that Jaemin thinks about it, it isn’t right that Renjun is hugging a boy that he _has_ to reject. It could be considered manipulation even, because Jaemin can’t bury the spark of hope that this ignites inside him.

Jaemin pulls back, heart racing, not realizing he’s staring up at Renjun until a smile blooms on Renjun’s face. He can’t fathom why Renjun would smile in a moment like this, not when he has all the power to destroy Jaemin’s confidence and sentimental life for the rest of his life. He can recover from one heartbreak, but not from two at the same time.

“Have you lost your mind?” Jaemin mutters, half terrified, half amazed that he’s still able to speak. It feels rough on his vocal cords, and that’s a bad sign for their upcoming performance.

Renjun doesn’t show a single trace of shame for what he has said, for what they have done. Jaemin wonders if this has been discussed before; if Renjun and Donghyuck have decided that, considering the amount of time they spend apart, there’s no need for them to obviate other boys. That would explain all the flirting with Harvey, even if Renjun never went further than that.

Renjun caresses his shoulders, looking into his eyes, and asks, “You trust me, right?”

Jaemin trusts Renjun with his whole being. Renjun has no malice in him, and that hasn’t changed in the three years they’ve spent together. He’s not innocent anymore, but Jaemin knows that Renjun would never harm him on purpose. That’s the same reason Jaemin tends to assume that Renjun will pity him: because he understands Jaemin’s hurt feelings, because he wants to protect him.

But then Renjun pushes him back, and before Jaemin can react, before he can confirm that he trusts him, Renjun is on his lap. Jaemin blinks at him, shaking off the urge of grunting at Renjun and force him to stop whatever he’s doing. Renjun doesn’t give him time to think, to register that they’re in the bathroom stall of a music show and this is out of limits for the both of them.

Renjun is braver than him, however. He wasn’t this direct when they first met, but over the years it’s Jaemin who has fallen behind.

It’s not uncomfortable to be one step behind him, but it makes it impossible for Jaemin to understand why Renjun’s fingers feel so warm on his jaw. Jaemin can’t tear his gaze away from Renjun’s lips, from the way he parts his lips, fingers pressing on his skin to angle Jaemin’s head.

There’s no doubt about what Renjun is doing.

Renjun’s eyes flicker down to Jaemin’s mouth, and then he scoots closer, and closer, and Jaemin stops breathing altogether.

Renjun’s lips are so soft, so inviting, that Jaemin forgets for a moment that he’s not allowed to have him. It feels better this time, as though Renjun is pouring water on his burns, and Jaemin exhales a moan into his mouth.

It’s quiet. The two of them, pressing their mouths together once, twice, and then a dozen of times while Jaemin tries to muffle his pain against Renjun’s mouth. His hands rest on Renjun’s hips, not daring to touch him further than that. Renjun leads every one of his movements, licks his mouth open with an eagerness that placates any attempt from Jaemin at feeling guilty. It just feels _too good_ , and it makes so much sense why Donghyuck would disregard Jaemin or any other boy for this, for the rush of adrenaline that Renjun can give him.

But it’s not adrenaline. It’s Jaemin’s youth dying in Renjun’s mouth, a boy that doesn’t belong to him taking his first kiss, and it’s so intimate, so unbearable, that Jaemin ends up drawing away with tears in his eyes.

For once, Renjun lets him. He keeps his eyes closed for a few seconds, but when he sees that Jaemin is blinking his tears away, he brings a hand to his cheek, his thumb caressing Jaemin’s cheekbone.

Jaemin didn’t think this could get any worse, but here he is, with Renjun on his lap and his lips coated in saliva, red and shiny. He just wants to kiss him again, and that’s the most terrifying revelation, even more terrifying than being in love with him.

Jaemin’s mouth moves on its own, and he hears himself sputter, “I can’t do this to D-”

Without wasting any second, Renjun slaps his hand over his mouth. It doesn’t matter that they’ve kissed twice in a few minutes, in a public place, that they’re fucking their relationship up: it’s the mention of Donghyuck that ignites the first sign of panic in Renjun’s eyes.

Jaemin isn’t sure it’s because someone could overhear them and figure out that Renjun and Donghyuck are together, but that shouldn’t be Renjun’s biggest worry considering he had his tongue in Jaemin’s mouth seconds ago.

“Don’t speak about that here,” Renjun muses, but he isn’t angry, just scared. His chest raises and deflates with every heavy breath, and Jaemin unconsciously holds him again, hoping Renjun won’t lose balance. But Renjun doesn’t: he never does. Instead he leans forward and insists, “Jaemin, don’t worry, I promise you Donghyuck won’t hate you.”

Jaemin would love to believe him, but this is a _mess_. Both Donghyuck and Jeno knew that he had feelings for Renjun even before Jaemin himself could start pondering about it. Donghyuck told him he _trusted_ them, because why wouldn’t he? Jaemin is one of his two best friends and Renjun is his boyfriend, so betraying Donghyuck and losing him in the process would be completely absurd.

Or so Jaemin thought. Renjun must be insane if he thinks Donghyuck won’t care, and maybe that’s the problem, maybe Renjun’s sensibility and mercy will suck them into chaos. Jaemin doubts Renjun loves him, but he suspects that Renjun could be doing this out of pity.

Thrown off by the lack of response, Renjun scrambles to get off his lap. He grabs Jaemin’s hand, however, a gesture that Jaemin can’t deny. It’s all he has to survive through this day.

“We have to perform,” Renjun reminds him, his face falling. Jaemin wonders if for the first time he’s assimilating that this was a horrible idea, or Jaemin’s panic is rubbing off on him. “I’ll explain once we’re in the dorm.”

Renjun doesn’t intend to give any explanations.

That’s Jaemin’s only certainty when they step into the dorm and, rather than pretending for the sake of the group, Renjun tugs him all the way to the bedroom. There’s no point in lying to Chenle, Jisung and Jeno, since the tension in the car was so thick that not even their friends could distract them, but Jaemin dedicates them an apologetic smile as they leave them behind.

Jeno responds with a nod, oblivious at how much Jaemin needs his help. It’s true that Jaemin would love a couple of explanations, but it’s also a discussion that unnerves him. There’s no happy ending for this, no matter how much Jaemin spins it in his head to see it from different angles.

“If you take too long, I’ll eat your food!” Jisung exclaims behind their backs, giving them the perfect excuse to scurry away if they need to.

Renjun tightens his hold on him, a silent warning that Jaemin shouldn’t dare to take that chance, and doesn’t release him until they’re inside their bedroom. It’s Renjun who closes the door, leaning back on it and looking up at Jaemin, determination on his face.

“Ren-”

“Not yet,” Renjun cuts him off, tilting his head against the door.

Waiting doesn’t make much sense at first, but then Jaemin hears the footsteps crossing the hall, and understands that Renjun is afraid their managers will eavesdrop. Jaemin doubts they would, but it would be easy to catch a sniff of their conversation unless they’re in the living room eating with the rest.

So Jaemin waits with Renjun, his heart in a fist and his mind speeding through a million thoughts, a million possibilities. He thinks about how he’s going to apologize. About if they should tell Donghyuck, and _who_ should do it. But he also ponders about what would happen if he kept this a secret forever. Perhaps Renjun would find the emotional stability to confess that he just kissed him as a favor, just because Jaemin doesn’t have anyone else.

“I think he’s gone back,” Jaemin breathes out.

Renjun stares at him, though his attention is beyond their bedroom, and then something seems to click in him. He locks the door with a swift movement of his hand, eyes nervously shifting between Jaemin’s eyes and his lips.

Jaemin steps back, but this time his instinct isn’t as mistaken, because Renjun nearly runs over him. He stumbles forward, grips the front of Jaemin’s shirt, fists turning white. Jaemin looks down at him, startled, incapable of understanding what’s going on.

But then Renjun closes the distance between them, and Renjun proves again that he’s always a step ahead, that Jaemin will never be able to predict his thoughts. Not that Jaemin can think anymore once Renjun presses a sweet kiss on his mouth, lips burning and breath rushed, and Jaemin responds in the split of a second.

Jaemin _cares_. He fears this will be the last straw for him and Donghyuck, and he knows that he’s still deeply in love with him, but Renjun’s lips are a weapon against his morals. Jaemin kneels, because he doesn’t want to be shot by reality, doesn’t want to admit to himself that pulling away means losing Renjun too. That’s all Jaemin has: Renjun. His hands running through his hair, their bodies connecting, the little gasp he lets out when Jaemin dares to tug him closer by the hips. The spicy taste of his lips, the desperation that transpires through him – a desperation that Jaemin doesn't understand, but that he shares. Jaemin doesn't fight against his own wishes as Renjun pushes him back onto his bed, leaving Jaemin in a vulnerable position as Renjun straddles him.

Jaemin is used to feeling vulnerable, and there, in the way Renjun leans downward to kiss him again, there's a ray of safety that Jaemin clutches with his whole soul. He's not allowed to touch Renjun, but at the same time he _is_. Renjun just quietly moans as Jaemin's hands explore his back, fingertips tingling with excitement and a wave of heat expanding to the rest of his body. There are too many clothes between them, and that's all Jaemin notices for a few seconds, timidly tugging at Renjun's jacket so that he takes it off.

Taking the hint, Renjun detaches from him and laughs, throwing his head back. Jaemin blushes at how he pretty he looks sitting on his abdomen, his cheeks red from kissing and one of those embarrassed smiles that Renjun can't control. It feels like a dream, and Jaemin closes his eyes to breathe in, wondering if this will be over once he opens his eyes. He doesn't have enough time to calm down, since Renjun strokes down his chest to draw his attention, and Jaemin finds terrifying that his smile has vanished to give space to something much more serious.

“You've already seen me naked,” Renjun whispers. And that's true. They've taken a hundred showers together to save time, they change clothes in front of each other, and Renjun has never batted an eyelash at the lack of privacy. Upon Jaemin's silence, Renjun teases him, “No need to be so impatient.”

That's what awakens Jaemin's guilt at last. Kissing is overwhelming, but the thought of going further than that is just insane. Not because they're not alone in the dorm – they have a policy of not entering a room if it's locked – but because Jaemin has many reasons not to touch Renjun at all. First, he has a boyfriend; and second, Jaemin hasn't done this before. He hadn't even properly kissed anyone until hours ago, so sex was obviously out of his book as well.

Renjun shakes his jacket off with a little smile, indulging Jaemin's request, but he doesn't stop at that. When he starts yanking his shirt off, his cute tummy peeking underneath, Jaemin reacts by instinct.

“Stop,” he says, raising his voice. Renjun sends him a confused glance, but his hands falter on the hem of his shirt, and Jaemin takes it as the sign to convince him. “ _Please_.”

Renjun is often stubborn, but his sensitiveness wouldn't let him ignore that plea. He knows that Jaemin isn't joking, and whether it's because he sounds scared or because Renjun can detect the culpability in his eyes, Renjun doesn’t insist. He stays on top of him, however, panting a little as he evaluates Jaemin.

Renjun's tone is tender and careful when he says, “Donghyuck is fine with this.”

Jaemin doesn't follow. Those words should be enough for him to delude himself and surrender to his pathetic urge of tasting Renjun from head to toe, but Jaemin can't imagine a universe where Donghyuck wouldn't be jealous of this. Perhaps Renjun means that Donghyuck gave him freedom to sleep with other boys, but if that's the case, Jaemin would bet his own life that he's not included in the deal.

Jaemin lets a frown take over his expression, even though he doesn't intend to glare at Renjun.

“How do you know?” he asks, an accusatory tone tinting his words. “I kissed you just hours ago, you haven’t had time-”

Renjun's jaw clenches, tension spreading over his shoulders, and he grumbles, “He knows I like you.”

Of course Renjun didn't have time to text Donghyuck and explain what had happened today between them. Even if he had managed to do so, it would be impossible for them to change the limits of their relationship through a phone.

This whole ordeal is previous, and it's stupid that Renjun likes him, but that's the only credible reason that would explain Donghyuck giving Renjun permission to kiss him. To do more than kissing.

But Jaemin vividly remembers what Donghyuck told him one year ago, how upset he was both at the fact that Jaemin wouldn't admit his feelings and that he had feelings for Renjun in the first place. That's not what sends Jaemin into shock now, though. It's the nonchalance of Renjun's words, that courage to confess something that should petrify him. Renjun isn't afraid, just nervous, staring down at Jaemin for a response.

“What?” is all that slips past Jaemin's lips. His heart is racing so fast that he has to make an effort not to clutch his own chest. If Renjun can sense it, he doesn't mention anything, and Jaemin doesn't have room to be embarrassed. “You- what?”

Renjun doesn't like him, it has to be some sort of game that he and Donghyuck have threaded to make fun of him. Part of Jaemin assures him that his friends would never be so cruel, but his insecurity tells him otherwise.

Even though Renjun doesn't grin at his confusion, his eyebrows shoot up in amusement.

“Is it that shocking?” he asks Jaemin, much calmer than anyone should be in this situation. If Jaemin hadn't always been so in tune with his feelings, he wouldn't have realized that tiny moment of hesitation, the doubt that crosses his expression. “I go to your bed for cuddles every night, Jaemin.”

But Renjun has been doing that since they became roommates. He’s been doing that for years, even before he started dating Donghyuck. If that was his peculiar way of pinning after Jaemin, then Renjun must have been living his own personal hell for longer than Jaemin would ever like anyone to suffer.

And this is Renjun, who he’s cherished every day, who he’s been envious for so many reasons that are now obsolete: because he was wordlessly pretty, because he was funny, because Donghyuck was in love with him. Because he was nice even to those that had been mean to him, but he didn't allow them to stomp on him. Because he was perfect without even trying, and Jaemin could comprehend why Donghyuck had fallen for him so deeply.

“I don’t understand anything,” Jaemin insists. He closes his eyes, and his entire body pulses with want, with greed. “Donghyuck told you it was fine to kiss me?”

Despite the seriousness of this mess, Renjun wholeheartedly laughs.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he says, shuffling on Jaemin. It might not be on purpose, but Jaemin has to grab him by the hips, since Renjun is dangerously close to his crotch and another movement could imply losing his sanity. Renjun doesn't seem to notice where his tension is coming from, because he adds, “Donghyuck was so sure you were in love with me. I’ve wasted a whole year trying to convince him that he was imagining things.”

Jaemin's guts twist at that revelation. They've been talking about him, about his feelings, as a recurrent thing.

“You didn’t want me-” Jaemin starts, trailing off. The flush of shame that invades him is unexplainable, but he makes an effort to look into Renjun's placid gaze. “To be in love with you?”

Jaemin wouldn't blame him for it. If Jaemin could choose his feelings, he wouldn't be in love with them either; life would have been easier that way.

“I did. But I was so scared,” Renjun whispers, tearing his gaze away from Jaemin's face for the first time. It's not a small confession, and if his need of being loved is what pulverizes Renjun's confidence, Jaemin can relate to that. “I was scared you wouldn't understand me, even if you always do.”

Jaemin shudders, and he instinctively holds Renjun a bit harder, as though Renjun could leave him now.

Being in love with two boys is scary, but in the world they live in, it's even scarier. If any of them take the wrong step, the whole house of cards will crumble down. Right now they have some balance, a balance based on Jaemin's misery and that has become a layer of protection for Renjun and Donghyuck.

Renjun is disposed to kick that security down with one blow, and that proves that Jaemin isn't the only one that is hopeless.

With a shaky breath, Renjun prompts him, “Say something, Jaemin.”

But if Jaemin says the first word, then he won't stop. He could tell Renjun that he's unreal, so pretty and so intelligent, so pure but not innocent, and that Jaemin has been crazy for him without even realizing. It's embarrassing that he was the last one to reach that conclusion, that he couldn't admit it to himself until he was pressing a kiss onto his lips – when it was too late, or for himself, too soon.

As he meets Renjun's eyes, he's confronted with reality: words won't be enough to express his feelings. Jaemin has never been bad at that, but now he feels like he's too clumsy, like Renjun deserves better than some cliché confession.

Jaemin finds the bravest, yet the easiest route. He sits up, reveling in the soft gasp that escapes Renjun mouth at their proximity, and threads his fingers in Renjun's hair. They come closer until their foreheads are pressed against each other, and they stay like that for a moment, looking into each other's eyes, inhaling their last breath.

It's much more thrilling than the first time, and much more satisfying than the second time. They meet in a wet kiss, sweet and timid, as though they're testing how it feels to openly love each other. Once their lips are connected, there's no way to let go. Jaemin breathes Renjun, tastes Renjun's lips so that he opens for him, and then both of them crash back onto the bed.

Equally intimidated and encouraged, Jaemin grabs Renjun's shirt and helps him to take it off. Renjun was right: they've seen each other naked, but Jaemin has never allowed himself to admire Renjun. Now that he does, that Renjun's body presses on him for friction, he knows that he's ready to give him whatever Renjun wants to take away from him.

Renjun is tender, but his hands work terribly fast, and before Jaemin can blink twice, Renjun has stripped him down to his underwear. Jaemin contributes to it, giggling when Renjun kisses him a bit too hard, but Renjun knows how to shut him up. It happens too fast, and the moment Renjun gets on his knees and unbuckles his pants, Jaemin can't find any oxygen anymore.

He doesn't know what they're doing, here in the dorm while the rest of the group is in the living room. A lock is all that separates them from disaster, and yet that doesn't seem to occupy Renjun's mind as he strips down. His pants seamlessly fall down, revealing pretty thighs and skin that Jaemin just wants to cover in kisses.

Renjun notices where his attention is, because as he fishes for the next kiss, his lips are slightly curled up into a smile. Jaemin can't bother to complain. If Renjun finds his fascination funny, then he's welcome to do so. Jaemin is much more worried about not crossing lines, about not making Renjun uncomfortable, which doesn't even seem to be a thought in Renjun's head.

“Let me make you feel good,” Renjun mutters against his lips. Jaemin has no idea what he's referring to, but he gives him a short nod, trying not to be embarrassingly enthusiastic. “I know you need it.”

Jaemin feels the heat in his face, but he can't deny that. He needs to be touched, he needs the affection, he needs to get over this fright of giving himself. And he trusts Renjun. Renjun would never pressure him, and he doesn’t do it now, tentatively digging his fingers in his underwear as if to ask for permission. Jaemin senses his blood pool at his crotch at the mere thought of letting Renjun see his dick, but before Renjun can interpret it as a rejection, Jaemin raises his hips to help him.

The cold air around his dick makes Jaemin startle, and Renjun crinkles up his eyes at him in amusement. Jaemin avoids looking down at his own dick, but he’s already hardening when Renjun leans his weight to the side and, without any shame, rubs his hand over his dick.

Needless to say, Jaemin has never had any boy touch his dick before, and all he knows is the familiarity of his own hand. It's an experience he's not ready for, and though he's not slick and he's still not fully hard, Renjun's palm sends an electrifying shock through him.

“Shit,” Jaemin mutters, closing his eyes not to see Renjun's expression.

Renjun kisses his jaw, his fingers carefully brushing over his dick – that's enough for Jaemin, whose dick starts getting hard at the mere tingling of Renjun's fingertips. It should be shameful, but Jaemin will reserve that sentiment for later, when Renjun has finished whatever he's doing.

“Don't curse so soon,” Renjun warns him, though he sounds enchanted with the fact that Jaemin is this weak. “Open the second drawer of the bedside table, my lube is there.”

Jaemin blindly obeys, not dwelling in why Renjun has lube in this room. Considering both Jisung and Chenle fool around in their room pretty often, it's dangerous to have lube at hand, but Jaemin supposes that Renjun doesn't care that much anymore, not since everyone knew Donghyuck and he were together.

Jaemin is grateful he never pried there, because the first thing that his hand touches is the lube. He dares to peek at Renjun when he hands him the tube, but his gaze travels down to check the tent in Renjun's underwear, and Jaemin feels bad for not returning the favor. Besides, he wants to _see_ Renjun's hard dick too.

“Thank you,” Renjun tells him with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He sounds breathy, and as he opens the lube and scans Jaemin from head to waist, he grunts, “You're so hot.”

Jaemin isn't foreign to compliments, but Renjun is never so direct, so lewd. He'd be lying if he didn't admit that praising does wonders, so by the time Renjun has spread lube over his fingers and encircles his dick, Jaemin is beyond ready.

It feels _so good_. Just a little touch and Jaemin has to bite his lower lip not to make any noise. Renjun's fingers are very pretty around his cock, so Jaemin can't help but glance down, torn between Renjun's lips and his hand. There's no amusement in Renjun's semblance anymore, but pure attention to Jaemin's reactions, and Jaemin loves feeling so watched. He loves feeling that Renjun is completely dedicated to him.

“You have to be quiet, okay?” Renjun whispers, perhaps because he can intuit that Jaemin will start moaning as soon as he works on it. He's close to that, his dick twitching in Renjun's hold, and he frets over the mattress to control himself. Renjun sends him a sweet glance, eyes bright, and explains, “I do this to Donghyuck all the time and we've never gotten caught.”

That should make Jaemin jealous. But it doesn't. He stares down and wonders if that's why Renjun is so good at this, his hand applying the right amount of pressure, spreading lube from his length to his balls. He doesn't make fun of Jaemin's responses, of his little whines every time he caresses over his balls, or when he repeatedly jerks his hand around the head of his dick.

“How does it feel?” Renjun asks him, smiling into the crook of his neck.

He has to be kidding, because Jaemin is so overwhelmed that he can't even speak. He's sure he looks the part, too. Renjun just wants to rejoice.

“I think-” Jaemin stutters, breathing through heavy puffs of air. He clasps Renjun's shoulder blade, as though that could help him salvage his pride, and concludes, “Your hand is so warm.”

It's such a stupid compliment, and laughter bubbles out of Renjun's throat. Jaemin is sure that he's warmer than Renjun, the veins of his dick swollen and sensitive while Renjun tries to distract him by sucking kisses on his chest.

It works for a couple of minutes, but Jaemin is so needy that he doubts he'll last much longer without spilling all over Renjun's hand. His whole body is flushing, and he unconsciously tries to stare at Renjun, even though Renjun is too busy pleasing him.

“Renjun,” Jaemin manages to utter, his voice hoarse and weak. Renjun doesn't slow down, just tightens around his dick, which almost makes Jaemin moan his name again, but loudly. As soon as he meets Renjun's eyes, he's suddenly hit with realization. Renjun is giving him a _handjob_. His pretty, precious Renjun has his dick in his hand and knows perfectly how to make him come, and fuck, that's so hot. He's going to come wrapped in Donghyuck's boyfriend's hold. “I'm sorry- I'm close.”

Even if Renjun doesn't stop, he slackens the pressure around his length. He ups himself to press a kiss on Jaemin's mouth, which parts for him without any grace, just clumsily wanting to taste Renjun's tongue. Jaemin is ready to come like that, drowning in Renjun's mouth, but then Renjun pets his hair with his free hand and, somehow, Jaemin knows that it's not the right moment.

“Hold up for me, yeah?” Renjun tells him, breath ghosting over his lips. He pecks Jaemin's cheek, diverted at the flash of suprise on Jaemin's face – because it's such a cute gesture, and not very appropriate given what Renjun is doing to him - and then confesses, “I want you to come in my mouth.”

Those words almost send Jaemin to his edge, so he tenses all over up, making an effort to think about anything else that isn't the overpowering pleasure pulsing in his dick.

It's unfair that Renjun expects him to repress his orgasm, not when he has those pretty lips, not when Renjun knows, without a doubt, that Jaemin has always had a thing for them way before he developed feelings. Anyone would love to come in his mouth, and maybe Renjun is aware of that.

“Are you sure-” Jaemin begins, feeling like he doesn't deserve _this_. Renjun hasn't even taken his underwear off and it pains Jaemin just to imagine how desperate he must be.

But Renjun is already sneaking downwards, a sly smirk on his face, and just responds with a direct, “If I tell you how many times I've dreamed about sucking your dick, we won't get out of this room ever again.”

Jaemin has the urge to laugh at that, because that's completely insane, unimaginable. He's burning from head to toe, however, so the only thing that comes out of his mouth is a demanding, “Take that off.”

Renjun seems amused at the random request, but when he settles between Jaemin's legs, he pulls his underwear down with a hint of arrogance. He has reasons to be arrogant, though. Renjun is the smallest, the thinnest among them, but his dick is huge. Jaemin could have intuited that before, but now that it's there in all its glory, hard and curling against his stomach, Jaemin can't help but salivate at the sight.

“Happy?” Renjun teases him, enjoying his evident shock. “I can't fuck you now, okay? Not with everyone at the dorm.”

Jaemin understands that, but part of him wants to rebel. It would be such a pity not to use Renjun's dick, even if Jaemin doesn't even know how to take dick. He can learn fast, or that's what he wants to think.

“Just- please,” Jaemin answers, unable to form a coherent sentence.

Renjun takes pity on him, lowering between his legs and placing his elbows on both sides of his hips. Much to Jaemin's luck, Renjun isn't in the mood to tease, a glint of curiosity as he glances up at Jaemin's face. His tongue darts out, touching the head of his dick, and Jaemin swears he has to suck in a breath not to dissolve at the wonderful view of Renjun’s tongue against his dick.

Renjun knows that he's too gone to be played with, so he just wraps a hand around the base of his dick and starts sucking on the head, eyes fixed on Jaemin. It's Jaemin's fault that he has to bite onto his forearm to stop the moan that rips through his throat, but Renjun's warm, wet mouth feels like heaven on him. He keeps his tongue flat and tense, rubbing on Jaemin's most sensitive spot, one of his hands fondling his balls.

It's enough for Jaemin to know that no one is going to make him feel this good, that it's just one of those Renjun's things. Jaemin just didn't expect him to be an expert at sucking dick.

“You're so good at this,” Jaemin appreciates, his mind hazy with pleasure. He can't tell if it's just his dick pulsing or if he's pulsing all over, his heartbeat speeding and sweat condensing on his skin. “So fucking good.”

Renjun hums, pleased, but he detaches from his dick to smile at him. Jaemin's dick twitches at that smile, and he doesn't why, but he's certain Renjun won't use his mouth until he's shooting white.

He's right. Because Renjun has a knack for running his mouth, and this moment is perfect to unravel all his power, all his verbosity. Jaemin could never predict what Renjun has in store for him, though.

“Donghyuck will love you like this,” Renjun says then, rapidly jerking him off. “You'll look so pretty on his cock, Jaemin. He speaks so much about that.”

The playfulness in his pupils shines like a bad omen, but Jaemin's body immediately arches at his words, a gasp slipping between his lips.

“You like _that,_ ” Renjun observes, marveled. And it's funny, because that amazement means that Renjun was playing with fire, that he didn't know whether Jaemin would want it or would simply have a breakdown. But god _it works_ , that combination of Renjun around his cock and Donghyuck in his head. Renjun passes his tongue over his upper lip and continues, “Donghyuck is going to fuck you so well. He does, you know?”

That doesn't make any sense, but Jaemin wants to figure out the meaning so badly. Maybe Renjun is just boasting how good Donghyuck is in bed, or maybe he just wants Jaemin to fantasize a bit over someone that he'll never have. Jaemin loves both options, though it might have to do with all the blood concentrated in his crotch right now.

With a cry, Jaemin asks, “Does what?”

That's the question Renjun is waiting for, a predating smile expanding on his lips. He rubs his thumb up and down against Jaemin's sweet spot, until his thighs are trembling, until he can't take it anymore and his promise of being quiet becomes impossible.

Only then does Renjun answer, “Sometimes I let him fuck me while he thinks about you.”

Jaemin can't help it: he comes within a second, unable to warn Renjun, unable to give him time to set his mouth on his dick again. The pleasure that cuts through him blinds every other feeling, and for once, Jaemin falls into a cloud of bliss where he doesn't have to think about anything else.

The only noise that reaches his ears is Renjun's sweet laugh, and a warm kiss tingling on the tip of his nose.

It's not romantic, but Jaemin reckons that spilling over his teammate's hands would hardly ever be romantic.

They don't live in a movie where they can stay in bed, entangled in each other, sharing a few kisses and looking at each other like there's no one else in the world. The reality is that Jaemin is exhausted and spends a couple of minutes completely gone while Renjun cleans him up. When Jaemin manages to regain some strength, he remembers that he didn’t return the favor, and panic takes over him as he sits up, ashamed because he came so hard that he forgot about Renjun's pleasure.

Renjun is already putting his clothes on, so he sends Jaemin a knowing smile and ruffles his own hair, as if to clear his head. He slips into one of his comfortable sweaters, tugging the hem down so that Jaemin can’t see if he’s hard.

“I'll take care of it,” Renjun assures, no need for Jaemin to ask if he needs help. His stare is fixed on his crotch, anyhow, so Jaemin doesn't need to explain himself; Renjun looks cute now, with only his jumper covering his dick, and that makes Jaemin feel guiltier. “We've spent too much time here.”

Jaemin isn't sure whether he blanked out for one minute or fifteen, but the worry of getting caught in a compromising situation awakens him. He supposes Renjun is way more used to this, and that his own hands will be much more effective than Jaemin's first attempts at touching him.

Even though Renjun's nonchalance soothes him at first, it's still awkward to wait for him in the bedroom, knowing Renjun is just quickly jacking off. Grasping the fact that he made Renjun hard might be too much to handle after an orgasm, so Jaemin gets up and changes into comfortable clothes too, makes sure that his hair isn’t a mess and that no one will suspect that he's just gotten his dick sucked.

That's the thing, however. When both Renjun and he leave the bedroom to join everyone in the living room, none of their friends bat a single eyelash at him. Only Jeno raises his eyebrows at Jaemin, a silent question about if they've solved their problem, and he seems content once Jaemin gives him a nod.

And yes, it might not be the first time Renjun sucks someone's dick with only one wall of separation between him and his friends, but it's Jaemin's first time. The thrill that runs through his veins is unexplainable, an urge of yanking Renjun into the bedroom again, of letting Renjun tell him prohibited words until he's coming, biting on the pillow so that no one hears him.

The fact that Renjun can act like nothing happened is pretty revealing. Apart from a subtle pink on his cheeks, there's nothing that hints that Renjun was between his legs minutes ago. Jaemin wonders how many times Donghyuck just used him for a quick fuck in the bathroom, or how many kisses they shared without them knowing; if, contrary to what Jaemin imagined, it's possible to get some privacy in a place full of boys.

Jaemin stays close to Jisung, avoiding Renjun's gaze on purpose, and tries to focus on Jisung's excited stories about the comments he saw online. It's a useless distraction, but it helps Jaemin to come back to reality, to remember that he's an idol and that he shouldn't allow his emotions to take control of his image even if he's home. If he can't repress his excitement in such a familiar place, once he's a bit stressed he'll be a disaster.

“Donghyuck is coming to tomorrow's schedule, right?” Jeno shoots at them at the end of the dinner while he's happily walking over the table to clean.

He doesn't do it on purpose, that much Jaemin can tell, but all of them immediately glance at Renjun for an answer. Even though they love Donghyuck's company, even though it feels like a piece is missing every time he's not performing with them, it's Renjun who keeps up with his schedule, whether it's because Donghyuck updates him or because Renjun is that attentive.

“Yeah,” Renjun confirms with a smile. Jaemin can't help but dedicate him an incredulous look, but Renjun doesn't catch it. “He's taking a flight tonight, he'll probably arrive very late.”

Jaemin feels his throat dry.

Judging Renjun's calmness, it's not a big deal for him. Jaemin can't even begin to imagine how to confront Donghyuck. Renjun assured him that he wouldn't be angry, but one never knows with Donghyuck; if he has a bad idea, or if he's too exhausted from flying back and forth, he might not accept the news with kindness.

Jaemin lowers his head. He doesn't know if Renjun was telling him the truth when they were in the bedroom, when he confessed that Donghyuck had thought about fucking him. That was hot while Jaemin was hard, but now it insufflates a new fear in Jaemin: Donghyuck has never wanted him that way, has he? Maybe it's not that Donghyuck has developed feelings for him, but that he likes to play in bed with Renjun.

Jaemin knows that attraction doesn't necessarily imply love, and he's not disposed to be anyone's sexual fantasy. Not for someone that actually knows him, at least. That would explain why Donghyuck never dared to insinuate anything: he wouldn't hurt and use Jaemin just to get off.

Or maybe that's the key: Donghyuck gets off on people being in love with him.

“You haven't eaten enough,” Renjun observes upon perceiving the drop in his mood. He intently looks into his eyes, pushing their big platter towards him, but it's a message that Jaemin's fuzzy mind can't understand at this moment. “I'll pester you until you do, you know that, so don't be stubborn.”

Jaemin appreciates the excuse, but it's true that Renjun won't let him sleep if he doesn't eat first. He knows that Jaemin is having a hard time with his body during these promotions, since he's more exposed, though everyone assures him that his body is perfect and he shouldn't cut on food.

“Don't get fussy,” Jaemin retorts, which for one doesn't get a reaction from Renjun.

Renjun isn't stupid. He can intuit that Jaemin is nervous now that they’ve mentioned that Donghyuck is coming back, but that's inevitable. Tonight, when Donghyuck slips into their dorm, Renjun won't be the only one waiting for him.

Jaemin doesn't get a single minute of sleep, but to his surprise, Renjun doesn't either.

There's no tension between them once it's time to be alone again, and Renjun talks to him like he would do every other night, moves around their bedroom to prepare for the next day until he crashes into his bed. The difference is that Renjun doesn't propose to sleep together tonight. It could be just habit, because they never sleep together on the nights Donghyuck is coming back, but it hurts Jaemin's pride.

He isn't brave enough to risk being found with Renjun in bed anyway. He has no idea which kind of explanation Donghyuck will demand from him, if he demands any, because he's been a fool that has been denying his feelings over a year just to burn down with them.

At best, Donghyuck will torture him until he admits he was wrong.

Jaemin doesn't protest when Renjun pulls the covers over himself, but he catches a flash of his phone, a conversation with long messages that Jaemin is sure belongs to Donghyuck. Renjun doesn't fidget with his phone for long, however, and after a few minutes leaves it on his bedside table.

Jaemin isn't aware that he's on his side, staring at him, until Renjun sends him a look, his expression softening.

“Goodnight,” Renjun says, his hand distractedly fumbling with the covers. It's his silent way of asking Jaemin to look away from him, and Jaemin swears that the heat that spreads in his face is impossible to hide.

In a mutter, Jaemin answers, “Night, Injun.”

Renjun's smile widens, but before Jaemin can melt deeper into his own feelings, Renjun turns around. Jaemin decides to turn around too, opting to respect Renjun's choice, but Jaemin has the disadvantage of having a clock directly across from his bed. The first hour past midnight is pretty calm, but after a couple of hours Jaemin has no energy, and hearing Renjun nervously shifting in his bed wrecks his composure. If Renjun has reasons to be nervous, then Jaemin should be terrified.

It's not the first time Jaemin is awake upon Donghyuck's arrival, but it's the first time he feels so uneasy. It's almost tradition for Renjun to welcome Donghyuck, but tonight he doesn't move, stays in his place without moving a muscle. Jaemin frowns at the darkness, not understanding why Renjun wouldn't get up to greet Donghyuck. They might have fought over text. Or they just decided to ignore each other tonight in case it could destabilize Jaemin. Both options are equally scary, and they don't presume anything positive.

Jaemin is about to twirl around and check if Renjun is pretending to be asleep, but he comes to a halt when the door of their room creaks open. It catches him mid-turn, so he fumbles to sink his face in his pillow, legs shaking all of a sudden.

It's Donghyuck. Of course it's him, and Jaemin isn't ready to be with him. Regret seeps into every cell of his body. He's terrified Donghyuck will be disappointed in him. He's afraid Donghyuck will believe that Jaemin never truly loved him. It shouldn't matter, since Donghyuck never appreciated those feelings, but it matters to Jaemin for some reason.

Donghyuck isn’t there for Jaemin, however, thus he doesn't approach him. His careful steps go straight to Renjun's bed, and Jaemin even hears the noise Renjun's bed makes when someone climbs on it. His heart skips one beat, and then beats so hard that it deafens him.

“Renjun, are you awake?” Donghyuck’s voice vibrates in the silence of the room.

Renjun hums, followed by one of those groans he lets out only when he doesn’t want to wake up. “Baby,” he mutters, groggy. “You want to stay?”

Jaemin’s heart clenches at the pet name, and he represses a sigh, waiting for the noise of sheets once Donghyuck gets into bed with him. But that doesn’t happen, perhaps because Donghyuck doesn’t intend to stay in their bedroom, which is a relief. This is already weird enough, so there’s no need to throw Donghyuck into the mix.

“Should I wake him up?” Donghyuck says then.

It would make no sense for Jaemin to believe that this isn’t about him. He unconsciously curls into himself, aware that if they’re going to have the talk, it has to be now. While everyone else is asleep. They won’t be able to freely speak in a fitting room full of people, or in the van, or when everyone is roaming around the dorm.

Jaemin still hopes that Renjun will deem it a bad idea, but Renjun softly huffs and warns, “Only if you behave.”

That doesn’t help Jaemin relax. The blood pulses against his ears until all he can hear is his own heartbeat and Donghyuck’s steps, which aren’t so careful anymore.

He feels Donghyuck’s hand on his arm first, and then a subtle, “Jaemin?”

Among all the uncomfortable situations Jaemin has lived through, he can’t believe this one is about to steal the first spot on the list.

There is strong competition, and this shouldn’t hold so much importance compared to other instances. There’s that time Jeno caught him jerking off in the shower. That time he tripped over in Music Bank in front of a bunch of seniors and landed against a vending machine with his face. Every time he was scolded as a trainee for not being good enough with other twenty trainees present.

He doesn’t have to go that far, however. Kissing Renjun in the waiting room should be considered worse than this, but now that Jaemin has Donghyuck’s piercing eyes set on him, he feels like he’s facing the last boss in a game.

They’ve only turned on a couple of lights, but most of the living room is drowned in shadows. Jaemin convinces himself that’s one of the reasons Donghyuck looks so gloom, though Jaemin doesn’t have the heart to gaze at him for too long. Only he and Donghyuck are on the couch, Donghyuck’s arm thrown over the back and his body turned to him. Renjun is standing by the door, arms crossed as he watches them, but he’s too far away for Jaemin to distinguish his expression.

It’s strange that Renjun is _present_ , too. Unless he doesn’t trust Donghyuck not to cause a fight, his presence is just going to make Jaemin fear that he'll say something offensive.

“So?” Donghyuck challenges him, lifting his chin. There's no trace of amusement in his face, and overall, there's no pity at the way Jaemin flinches at one simple word. Donghyuck taps the couch, impatient, and insists, “Was Renjun good?”

Jaemin feels the blood drawing away from his face so fast that, for a moment, he's certain that he's going to faint. He leans forward, as if to make sure that he didn't mishear Donghyuck, but it's evident that Donghyuck is asking whether Jaemin was pleased with Renjun's work. That's beyond inappropriate, almost as inappropriate as the fact that Jaemin let Renjun suck his dick.

Jaemin supposes it’s a tie.

With a deep breath, Jaemin begins, “Can you please-” Donghyuck lifts his eyebrows at him, expectant. “Not play with this?”

Because Jaemin knows that to some extent, Donghyuck is torturing him on purpose. Whether he would prefer punching Jaemin in the face or just arguing with him, Donghyuck won't be satisfied until he feels that he paid him back with the same coin.

Donghyuck replies, “I'm just asking a question.”

Jaemin throws a desperate look at Renjun, but he has his head down, his bangs covering half of his face. Jaemin can only make out that he's biting his lower lip.

Feeling a bit betrayed, Jaemin moans, “He said you wouldn't mind.”

If Donghyuck never gave green light to this, then Renjun is as guilty as him. Guiltier, Jaemin would dare to say, because he was under the impression that they were allowed to do _that_. The kiss is Jaemin's fault, and that's all.

“And you believed him?” Donghyuck retorts, and Jaemin's stomach drops. Renjun doesn't move at all, and out of the corner of his eyes, Jaemin catches an ironical smile twitching on Donghyuck's lips. Only when Jaemin swallows the knot in his throat and stares at Donghyuck, he concludes, “You must have really wanted to fuck him.”

If this a plot to humiliate him, it's working. It's tremendously unfair, because Renjun roped him into this, because they didn't sleep together after all. Jaemin doesn't know how that would have changed the problem, but the consequences seem to be the same.

“We didn't-” Jaemin starts, but he can't pronounce the word, not even after Donghyuck has said it himself.

Maybe it has to do with being a virgin, or maybe it's that Jaemin is sure Donghyuck's gaze alone could kill him if he crosses the line.

Donghyuck viciously licks his lips, not giving him a second of rest, and encourage him, “Didn’t _what_? Say the word, babe.”

That's the confirmation that Donghyuck is tormenting him for fun. Ironically, that drives Jaemin to gather his composure, because it's useless to shrink before Donghyuck once he has already made his decision.

“Fuck,” Jaemin says, slowly, dryly.

Donghyuck's eyes glint with an emotion that drills straight into Jaemin's insides. He can't pinpoint what's happening, but the smirk that takes over Donghyuck's merciless expression doesn't fit in the puzzle.

Jaemin parts his lips several times, but no sound comes out, because he can't find the right question amidst this sea of confusion.

“Donghyuck, you're going too far,” Renjun grumbles from the door, raising his head. To Jaemin's shock, there's a sincere smile there too, a bit slanted to the side, like Renjun doesn't mean to laugh at their exchange. “He's going to pass out.”

At least Jaemin can agree with Renjun on that.

Donghyuck spins around so fast that his hair shakes everywhere, the unusual lack of gel becoming evident.

“He kissed you first! It wasn't supposed to happen like that,” Donghyuck accuses, his tone going high and childish, like he can't believe that Renjun has interrupted his mean show. “He ruined our plans.”

A scoff escapes from Renjun’s mouth. Jaemin glances between them, speechless, as realization fills his mind drop by drop. The shift in Donghyuck's behavior doesn't make any sense, and he feels like they're pulling a prank on him, but Jaemin doesn't understand why they would do this.

“What?” Jaemin cuts them off. He regrets that his frustration transpires right away, but he's had enough for tonight. He should be sleeping anyway, and Donghyuck and Renjun are going to be grumpy tomorrow if they don't get some rest too. “What plans?”

Donghyuck seems to remember that he exists, drawing his annoyance away from Renjun to redirect it to him.

It's almost a relief that Donghyuck rolls his eyes, condescendingly adding, “Renjun didn't lie to you.”

Hearing what Jaemin wished for doesn't have the effect he expected. All the tension that has been strangling him explodes, and Jaemin doesn't find himself sighing, doesn't find any calmness in that revelation; instead, his hands grab the closest cushion and the next thing he knows is that he's on top of Donghyuck, hitting him with the cushion while Donghyuck dissolves into a fit of laughter.

It's chaotic for a few seconds, but Jaemin is too relieved and angry at the same time to let Donghyuck go, and not until Renjun climbs onto them to cover Donghyuck's mouth does Jaemin realize that they're making way too much noise.

Renjun settles between them, and before Jaemin can apologize to him for reacting like that, Renjun is sinking his face in Donghyuck's chest, his whole body shaking with laughter.

It takes Jaemin a few seconds to comprehend that despite his outburst, Donghyuck and Renjun don't care that much about the noise, about the fight, or about Donghyuck toying with him.

“I'm going to kill you,” Jaemin mutters under his breath, frowning down at the pair.

Jaemin's aim is not to break at the smile that Donghyuck dedicates him, but he looks so happy with Renjun between his arms, the both of them giggling, that Jaemin would have to be a monster to keep his façade up.

“I hope not,” Donghyuck whispers, staring into Jaemin's eyes without fear. His fingers stroke down Renjun's hair, and Renjun turns his head to lean on him more comfortably. Jaemin's insides twist, but it's not an unpleasant feeling anymore. “I've been waiting for this for too long, it would be a pity if you killed me without kissing me first.”

The cushion drops from Jaemin's hands, and Donghyuck's wolfish smile turns sweet.

“Sorry?” Jaemin croaks out.

This has to be the real joke, except now it would be much crueler, and Jaemin doubts he could forgive Donghyuck.

“Don't you want to kiss me?” Donghyuck asks him, uncertainty seeping into the question. Jaemin knows that Donghyuck's confidence isn't unbreakable, but it's ironical that he's capable of wondering if Jaemin still wants to kiss him. “If your feelings for me have changed, I'll understand.”

Among all the fantasies that have run through Jaemin's head in the past years, having Donghyuck ask for a kiss while his boyfriend hugs him wasn't on the catalog. And if this was a dream, Jaemin wouldn't hesitate. He would sink onto them and press their mouths together, but the little handicap here is that this is reality, and Donghyuck has waited for years to offer a kiss.

Only after his boyfriend confessed to Jaemin.

It could make sense, but Jaemin doesn't like where his stream of logic is going. He doesn't want to be included in a relationship as a favor for Renjun.

“No, wait,” Jaemin breathes out, hands shaking. The flash of surprise on Donghyuck's face doesn't change his mind, and Jaemin scowls down at him in confusion. “Why would you want me to kiss you?”

Before Donghyuck can process the question, Renjun protests, “This is why we're moving so slow.”

Jaemin doesn't know what Renjun is talking about. For him, Donghyuck and he never progressed at all, and this feels like a big leap, like a breach in the middle of perfectly straight, smooth ground.

Donghyuck observes him for an eternity, his amusement vanishing so fast that Jaemin wonders if he’s said something wrong. It's not the case. The case is that Donghyuck understands, all of a sudden, why Jaemin is worried about kissing him, why he can’t grasp why Donghyuck would want him beyond a friendship.

“Listen, I-” Donghyuck begins, sitting up. Renjun and he move around each other, but Renjun doesn't protest, conscious that Donghyuck can't have a serious conversation while cuddling him. Renjun sits beside him, however, his gaze studying Jaemin to discover what he's trying to do. Jaemin would like to know too. “Let me pick up my thoughts.”

Renjun's lips twitch with a smile. “You had so much time to prepare this,” he reprimands Donghyuck, drawing circles on his shoulders with his fingertips. Then, he looks at Jaemin again and says, “Sorry, once a fool, always a fool.”

Renjun has always had a soothing effect on him, but right now Jaemin is so nervous that he can’t smile at Renjun’s joke. No matter how much confidence Renjun's reassurance gives him, that can be blown over by the boy he's been in love since he was a kid.

That could never change, not even in a million years.

Donghyuck's eyes shift to Renjun, but he gives him a nod, a little push of encouragement, and Donghyuck takes a deep breath.

Jaemin's heart leaps when Donghyuck's frightened gaze falls on him, and he realizes that the last time he saw Donghyuck this nervous was when the company was about to form the debut group.

“We've known each other for so long, Jaemin,” Donghyuck says in a whisper. Renjun squeezes his hand as a reward for starting, but he doesn't pressure him. Jaemin's ears are so blocked that he has to make an effort to listen to Donghyuck's voice, just a feeble sound in the middle of the living room. “I know you believe that love doesn't take time, right? You started liking me as soon as we met, and I wasn't ready for any of that at the moment. I hadn't even considered boys like that before, you know?”

Jaemin's lips part in surprise, but he can't respond to that. The truth is that they've never discussed the reasons Donghyuck never gave him a chance. It was just clear that Donghyuck wasn't interested, and therefore Jaemin didn't insist in case the reason was just _him_.

“Then Renjun came along, and I knew that the connection was there, but that it was going to take me time,” Donghyuck continues. Even though it's about Renjun, he doesn't tear his gaze away from Jaemin, and Jaemin gulps down. “I'm not like you, Jaemin, and I don't expect you to understand how I love, but I hope you can accept it.”

Jaemin remembers that. Renjun and Donghyuck didn't have many chances to bond at first, but he reckons that they slowly lost the fear of looking at each other in a special way.

“When Renjun and I got together, I was ready, had been for a while,” Donghyuck confesses, momentarily looking at his lap with a shade of coyness. Knowing him, Jaemin bets he’s never had to explain this before, not even to Renjun. “And sometimes I think it could have been you, but I felt that it was unfair to tell you out of the blue that I wanted to try, and not only that, but that I was in love with someone else too.”

It's terrible how logical that is. Donghyuck had hurt him before, and he couldn't put them at risk just for a whim, just because he thought he could have a relationship with two boys at the same time. It would have been humiliating, Jaemin is certain, because he had been blind to his own feelings for Renjun too.

He would have felt like a toy.

“You didn't deserve to be an experiment.” Donghyuck flickers his eyes up, and for the first time Jaemin has to look away, overwhelming heat invading his face. Donghyuck had _wanted_ him at some point. “Because what if it didn't work? What if I was a disappointment because you had waited for me for so many years?”

It's a rhetorical question, but Jaemin reacts to it without thinking twice.

“You could never be a disappointment,” he assures Donghyuck. It’s not a consolation, it's not pity. If Donghyuck has remained perfect for him after all this time, that isn't going to ever change. Then, as realization settles, Jaemin croaks out, “You liked me?”

Donghyuck hums, breaking into a shy smile. “But I had a hunch you wouldn't believe me.”

It's unbelievable even now.

“What changed?” Jaemin asks him, _them_. Renjun tilts his head to the side, pointing at Donghyuck because this isn't his place to speak up. It must have been Donghyuck's decision, not his, and that means Donghyuck was the only barrier that prevented them from trying. “Is it because Renjun-”

“No,” Donghyuck rushes to deny, but then silence takes over, and he glances at Renjun with wide eyes. “Well, it's because of Renjun somehow, because when I realized that you were feeling things for him, then I hoped you had realized that loving someone could happen over time, that it didn't have to be instantaneous.”

Unlike him, Donghyuck had learned to love him overtime. The thing is, Jaemin had learned love through him too, and that was the reason he had always been so set on the first moments of a relationship. He had always expected to feel that same tug he had felt for Donghyuck after a couple of days, as unrealistic as that was.

It was hard to settle down for less than _Donghyuck_ , once one got to know him. Jaemin didn’t regret that.

“But you confronted me about liking Renjun,” Jaemin reminds him, not understanding how Donghyuck could have had any hope after that.

Donghyuck nods, too enthusiastic considering the tension among them, and confirms, “You refused to admit it, and that’s how I knew you were in denial. I got so mad at you, even if you weren't doing it on purpose, that I just decided to pretend that I wasn't happy with the whole thing.”

Jaemin bites his lower lip, and Donghyuck glances at with hesitation, like waiting for Jaemin to make fun of him. Donghyuck made a scene in the practice room that day, and it wasn't the best way to approach the topic, but Jaemin was just as stubborn as him.

They were condemned to fight over it, even if neither of had wanted that.

“He was happy though,” Renjun supplies, squeezing his face against Donghyuck's shoulder. Donghyuck surrounds his frame, bringing him closer, and Renjun smiles at the gesture. It's a smile that cuts through Jaemin, that reminds him that Renjun's power over him has always been this overwhelming. “But I was confused, because I couldn't see it and I couldn't understand why you'd like me when Donghyuck was still there. I was sure you only saw me as a friend, but Donghyuck insisted. Jeno did too, though he told me that pressuring you wouldn't work.”

That's enough to distract Jaemin from the important bits.

“Jeno did _what_?” Jaemin spits, involuntarily raising his voice.

The consequence is immediate: both Donghyuck and Renjun laugh at him, leaning into each other. Jaemin shushes them, in part because he's embarrassed, but also because he doesn't want the manager to catch them at this time of the night.

“You can kill him later,” Donghyuck says, like Jaemin needs his permission. “He helped us a lot. I needed to know whether I was hallucinating your feelings or not, because I didn't want you to hurt Renjun either.”

Jaemin falls back against the couch, losing all his nervousness in one blow. He can't believe that out of his six friends, half of them were conspiring behind his back. He deserves this, though, because if he hadn't been so stubborn, so afraid of getting hurt again, he could have fixed this misunderstanding much earlier.

“I think I need some time to process all this,” Jaemin admits, more to himself than to Renjun and Donghyuck, and avoids looking at them in case they're disappointed in him. It's impossible for him to ignore all that new information. He's been living in ignorance all this time, and the natural tendency of his self-esteem is to mistrust that this is real. Clearing his throat, Jaemin adds, “If you don't mind.”

Donghyuck doesn’t let a breach grow between them: he reaches out to hold his hand. His palm warm, and though it’s an innocent gesture to comfort him, Jaemin feels like he's floating in cloud nine. When he dares to glance at Donghyuck, there's a gentle smile on his lips, and Renjun is playing with the strands of his hair, completely enamored with how Donghyuck looks at Jaemin.

Jaemin isn’t ready for this, for that unconditional adoration, to understand that he can be part of them too, but he's willing to dip deep into the promise of happiness in Donghyuck's eyes.

“Of course, Jaemin,” Donghyuck says, intertwining their fingers together. “I can wait for that kiss.”

Their first kiss doesn't come much later.

There’s a constant knot of excitement in Jaemin’s stomach when Donghyuck is around, and sometimes, even when he’s not.

Only when Jaemin is with Renjun, whispering and joking in bed between kisses, he manages to forget that this isn't a simple relationship. Given his inexperience, it’s easier to go through the first phases with Renjun, since their behavior barely changes. Jaemin just has to adjust to the sudden kisses in the middle of a conversation, to the upgraded intimacy of their cuddling sessions, their hands exploring places that they would have never touched before. It's overwhelming new for Jaemin, but Renjun doesn't make fun of him, and the most offensive thing he offers is smirking at him when Jaemin can’t keep up.

Sometimes Donghyuck is there, too. They push their beds together so that Donghyuck can join them when he's over, but Jaemin's little problem is that if Donghyuck is perched on his back, arms tight around his waist, it's a bit too hard to fall asleep. Maybe those feelings will dwindle down once they've moved past this static point of their relationship, but Jaemin is ashamed of admitting that a simple hug gets leaves him on edge the whole night.

It's justified, however. The prospect of kissing Donghyuck drives Jaemin to think about his lips all the time, one of those things Jaemin used to repress for his own sake. It doesn't help that Renjun and Donghyuck now have permission to kiss in front of him, though it's usually just a few pecks and a pat on the butt.

Just like that, hugging Donghyuck to sleep and pressing kisses on Renjun's mouth in hidden spots, their _Boom_ promotions vanish before his eyes.

“Are you just not going to tell me what's going on?” Jeno tells him on the last day of promotions in the van, tugging on his sleeve to catch his attention.

Not even for a single second does Jaemin suspect Jeno is referring to Donghyuck and Renjun, because Chenle and Jisung are present, looking at them with big, interested eyes. That’s dangerous territory, since all of them need some gossip to spice up their lives from time to time, and Chenle and Jisung are no exception. Renjun is completely asleep in the back of the car, headphones on, and Donghyuck is staying at their hyungs' dorm this week, so he's not in the van with them.

Jaemin doesn't see the signals – the subtle smirk in Jeno's face, the way his gaze travels to Renjun for a second – so he innocently asks, “What are you talking about?”

“Donghyuck has stopped sleeping in his room,” Jeno points out, and Jaemin closes his eyes, trying to ignore the snickering coming from Chenle and Jisung.

“Is that so?” Chenle sing-songs. “I wonder what's so interesting about your room, hyung.”

Jaemin takes a moment to reason, because they would never tease him about a topic that has become so delicate. Donghyuck could be invading their room to spend the night with Renjun, and in that case, Jaemin would be going through hell. That should be their first supposition, but it isn't.

That leads Jaemin to an irrevocable conclusion: either Donghyuck or Renjun have snitched on him.

“And?” Jaemin retorts, defying. “I can't force him to go back there.”

Especially now that Donghyuck doesn't have Mark to share a room with, it makes sense he wouldn't want to sleep alone. They're too used to the company.

“Sure you can,” Jeno retorts. He leans into Jaemin's side, wiggles his eyebrows, and adds, “I guess uniting your beds was just an act of solidarity.”

Alarmed, Jaemin casts a look at Renjun, but he's soundly asleep. He looks quite cute too, to the point that Jaemin can't bring himself to wake him up just for moral support. Instead of that, Jaemin checks that the manager isn't eavesdropping, and decides that fuck it, because this isn't a secret they'll be able to keep forever.

Lowering his voice, Jaemin looks into Jeno's eyes and grumbles, “Renjun and I got together.”

That's not the answer they were fishing for, that much is clear. The shock in their faces is pretty funny, and it’s even funnier to witness how Jisung glances between Renjun and him, his mouth hanging open, until Chenle stops him for sake of his neck.

“Just Renjun and you?” Jeno squints at him, like the pieces of the puzzle don't fit. Jaemin wonders what Renjun and Donghyuck told him. Maybe they just insinuated that they were flirting, and Jeno ran with the whole thing in the _right_ direction. “And Donghyuck didn't kill you?”

The corners of Jaemin's lips involuntarily quirk up. “It's complicated, okay?”

“Hyung,” Jisung begins, scowling at him. It's not on purpose, but a consequence of his own confusion, and Jaemin has to kill the urge of cooing at him. “What are you talking about? You've been after Donghyuck all this time, and now that he wants to date you-”

It's strange to speak about this in whispers so that the manager doesn't catch them, and Jaemin raises his voice by accident, “How do you know that?”

Jaemin doesn't blame Jisung for the slip, or for the slip that comes next: he looks at Chenle in panic, grabbing his wrist as though Chenle can save him from his mistakes. As soon as Jaemin sends him a skeptical look, Chenle sighs in resignation, and that's all Jaemin needs to know that he's involved in this.

Not that it comes as a surprise, because only Chenle managed to notice Jaemin's turmoil when he was jealous of Harvey. Perhaps Jaemin was the last one to get a grasp of his feelings for Renjun.

“Sorry, I kinda heard most of Donghyuck's confession that night because I was in the bathroom,” Chenle reveals at last, patting Jisung's hand so that he doesn't cut his bloodstream out of anxiety. “I swear I didn't stay until the end, but it was difficult to leave the bathroom without ruining your moment.”

The world freezes around Jaemin as he takes in those words. Chenle doesn't seem that apologetic, though Jaemin supposes that this is much more invasive for Donghyuck than for him.

“God,” Jaemin laments, accommodating on his seat and throwing his head against the headrest. He's grateful Renjun didn't hear that, and he vows not to tell Donghyuck either. “I want the ground to swallow me whole.”

Jeno crinkles his eyes up at him in happiness, and despite himself, Jaemin can't be mad at them for wanting the best for the three of them.

Donghyuck kisses him after their stage.

It happens so fast that Jaemin doesn't have time to decide whether this is the right moment, the right way, or the right place. When it comes to Donghyuck, wrong moments don’t exist anyway.

It's a stupid idea, Jaemin is only sure of that. Donghyuck runs off the stage, holding his hand to drag him along before any of the other idols can even think about leaving. They skip the greetings, but their fans look very content with the fact that they're holding hands, and Jaemin suspects they prefer that to them staying for ten more seconds to say goodbye.

Jaemin looks back just once in an attempt to throw a questioning glance at Renjun, but his boyfriend is too busy ruffling Jisung's hair and smiling at the crowd. Donghyuck's steps are firm as he leads Jaemin through the halls, occasionally bowing to the staff and taking a few vital turns to avoid their own staff.

Jaemin doesn't understand why, not at first.

But then Donghyuck pulls at the door of a small room which, Jaemin soon finds out, is full of stage props that look like they haven't been used for a while. It's dusty, dark and wonderfully desolate.

That's the last of Jaemin's worries when Donghyuck closes the door, and without a word, pushes him against a shelf that trembles with the impact. Jaemin lets out a noise of surprise, but then his gaze falls on Donghyuck's lips and he stops breathing altogether.

Jaemin doesn't need to ask. Donghyuck presses against him, tiptoeing to stay at his level, and before Jaemin feels the burst of fire in his chest, Donghyuck is so close that they're breathing each other's air.

“You looked so hot out there,” Donghyuck whispers with raw sincerity.

Donghyuck’s eyes are sweet, welcoming, and Jaemin never thought it would be like this. Donghyuck has always been impatient, full of energy, but this might be the only exception: this is the side of Donghyuck that Jaemin doesn’t know. The side that only Renjun has explored.

“Donghyuck,” Jaemin utters, not sure whether he manages to make any sound or not.

Donghyuck smiles at the mention of his name, bringing his hand up to Jaemin's nape with a plea in his gaze. Jaemin lets him do it, and that’s his final answer, his surrender.

“Kiss me,” Jaemin hears himself say, with another voice, another tongue that mustn’t belong to his coward self.

He sways forward with the force of Donghyuck's hand, and it feels like a free fall, like he's jumping at last until Donghyuck's lips soften the fall. There is his stability, the ground beneath his feet so solid that Jaemin doesn't fear taking the next step and dropping into the subsoil.

Donghyuck hums against his mouth, but Jaemin is silent, too shocked by the tender warmth of Donghyuck's lips to understand that he's asking for more. Donghyuck always wants more. His fingers creep up to the back of his hair, sending a shiver down Jaemin's spine, and Jaemin timidly grabs Donghyuck's hips for support. Donghyuck must take that as a sign to continue, and despite how nervous Jaemin is, he sighs into Donghyuck's mouth when he tilts his head to the side.

And then their lips aren't as soft against each other anymore, but Donghyuck is careful when he parts his lips for him, a subtle invitation that Jaemin takes like a hungry animal.

Since the beginning, Jaemin knows that this won't be enough. He tugs Donghyuck closer, tries to feel his body, but Jaemin needs it all; not just kisses. He's not the only one. Donghyuck moans under his touch and responds with impatience, his previous experience burning to ashes because of Jaemin.

When Donghyuck pulls away with a quiet noise, Jaemin has the sensation that they've kissed for a thousand years. But they haven't: the halls outside are trembling with noise, all the idols and the staff walking to their respective rooms to leave. Jaemin is incapable of feeling dread, because he's here with Donghyuck, safe and away from people's scrutiny.

He gazes down at Donghyuck's lips, slick with saliva, and his whole body thunders with pleasure. For once Donghyuck doesn't smile at his evident astonishment, at the shaking of Jaemin's hands on his lips. He looks back at Jaemin with the same intensity, hypnotized, and strokes down Jaemin's torso like he's in a trance.

Jaemin doesn't need to be told: Donghyuck wants to kiss him again.

“You've gone crazy,” Jaemin whispers.

Donghyuck lets out a heavy breath, a pretty smile grin blossoming on his semblance. “I've always been crazy, Jaemin.”

And maybe that's why Jaemin has always been in love with him. Happiness is unachievable without a pinch of craziness.

Even though Jaemin hoped the transition would be smoother after he adjusted to Renjun, it isn't.

He’s had many years to learn that when it comes to Donghyuck, it's useless to make assumptions. After their kiss, Donghyuck isn't shy. He doesn't go through the normal phases of dating, though Jaemin reckons that none of them have enough experience to follow any steps. Still, just like it happened with Renjun, Jaemin thinks they're bound to be shy sometimes, to tiptoe around each other in fear of fucking the whole thing up.

On the contrary, Donghyuck steps into his room once they arrive at the dorm, after he’s suspiciously insisted in staying at Dream’s dorm instead of returning to his dorm. Jaemin lifts his eyebrows at him, but Donghyuck closes the door with a loud thump, keeping his gaze on Jaemin.

Renjun is in the middle of dressing up, hair wet from his recent shower, while Jaemin has already jumped into his pajamas and is lazily rolling over his bed. He hasn't told Renjun about the kiss, since this is the first little moment they've had until Donghyuck interrupted them, but Renjun doesn't look surprised over Donghyuck barging in, not knocking on the door first. Renjun limits himself to watch Donghyuck in interest, how he strides all the way to Jaemin's bed, no trace of mischievousness in his face.

But then Donghyuck sinks his knees on the bed, blocking Jaemin’s view of Renjun on purpose, and the next thing Jaemin knows is that Donghyuck is on top of him, pinning him down on the mattress.

Jaemin is speechless, his gaze unconsciously travelling to Donghyuck's lips, where he finds a small all-knowing smile. Donghyuck doesn’t give him time, just hovers over him and kisses him. Jaemin is far from ready, but he tries to catch up, clumsily responding to Donghyuck’s lips. Donghyuck deepens the kiss without hesitation, like he doesn't have to work for it, like Jaemin is already his, and Jaemin feels his whole body flush with heat.

“Oh,” Renjun says from the other side of the room, quite breathless. “That's a sight I can get used to.”

Donghyuck breaks away, satisfaction plastered on his expression, and smiles down at Jaemin.

“Right?” he says, answering Renjun though his attention stays on Jaemin.

Jaemin hates to think that he's blushing, but it would be unrealistic if he wasn't, given the temperature of his body. Renjun always goes slow on him, whether his intentions are innocent or not, but he didn't have time to prepare for Donghyuck at all.

He has a hunch that he won’t ever be prepared for Donghyuck.

“Get off him, you'll get caught,” Renjun tells Donghyuck, gesturing to the door.

Donghyuck didn't lock it, but Jaemin was so absorbed by the kiss that he didn't even consider that possibility. Despite the possible consequences, Renjun looks amused, leaning back on his bed like this isn't any of his business.

“You say that as if it isn't normal for me to be on him,” Donghyuck points out.

And he's right, but just because he's on top of people too often for it to be an oddity.

“Fair enough.”

Jaemin doesn't interrupt, but he plays with the fabric around Donghyuck's thighs, wondering what's going to happen next. But nothing happens, since Donghyuck hasn't kissed him with any purpose; he's kissed him because he wanted to, and Jaemin has to familiarize with that new development. He can kiss Donghyuck if he feels like doing it, too.

Donghyuck runs a hand through his hair, studying Jaemin's semblance in wonder.

“We need some private time,” he concludes. “What do you think about spending a weekend together, out of here?”

Jaemin's mind is still too fuzzy to comprehend Donghyuck’s proposal. That shouldn't be a big deal, because they've always been friends, have travelled together, but the way he words the question hints that the proposal goes beyond that. He's not just talking about having a fun weekend.

“Donghyuck,” Renjun warns him, unafraid. He stares at them with an enchanted smile, and though that diminishes the determination in his voice, Jaemin knows that he's serious. “You didn't ask if he's ready.”

If Jaemin felt like Donghyuck was going to end his sanity, now he feels like he's going to explode into a fire. He knows for sure that he's the only virgin here, and that Donghyuck and Renjun are discussing sex in front of him – but Jaemin supposes that this is how their relationship will work, displaying intimate topics with the three of them present rather than one on one. He's not against the idea of sleeping with them, but if a first time is already nerve-wracking with one person, the thought of having two boys at the same time is both overwhelming and exciting.

“I'm not pressuring him,” Donghyuck protests, slightly offended, redirecting his attention to Renjun. There's the ghost of a pout when he says, “But you sucked his dick, I think he might be pretty ready.”

“Don't say that out loud,” Jaemin laments.

“It's okay,” Donghyuck assures him, patting down his chest, well aware that Jaemin is on the losing side right now. No man could ever reason with Donghyuck like that, and Jaemin swears that if he doesn't climb off him in the next five minutes, he'll just run away to the living room and cling onto Jisung for protection. “We can enjoy the weekend without sex, you're not forced to do anything you don’t want to. I'm fine with us just spending that time together and not worrying about anything else.”

Jaemin didn't need the reassurance, because he knew that neither Renjun nor Donghyuck would push his limits, but he's shocked those words actually left Donghyuck's mouth.

Before Jaemin can get sentimental, Renjun snorts and teases, “How lovely.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes at him, but that doesn't matter much to Renjun, or at least it doesn't as he dedicates Jaemin an innocent smile and whispers, “Jaemin, I'm so going to suck your dick again.”

It all makes sense.

Jaemin had no idea how they’d escape the tyranny of their vigilance, but it turns out to be easier than he imagined. Renjun and Donghyuck have their own secrets and tricks. Every time Renjun and Donghyuck said they were going to visit their relatives, most of the time they were just booking a hotel room near Donghyuck's house to fuck there. Jaemin also finds out that Chenle has been letting Renjun rope him into the lies, since Renjun's relatives aren't in the country that often, and the most useful lie was that he was at Chenle’s house with his family.

Jaemin is paranoid while they pack, but Donghyuck and Renjun are terribly relaxed, and they don't hesitate to laugh at his nervousness. Jaemin picks simple clothes and a few caps and shoves them into his bag, trusting that his boyfriends will take care of the rest.

The hotel they’ve chosen is beyond private, and it’s obvious that they frequent the place. Access to the keys works through a code rather than identification, and there’s a black crystal separating them from the lady at the reception. Jaemin feels a bit embarrassed for heading into a place like this, where people demand complete secrecy, but he likes the feeling of being protected. That sensation is boosted by the nonchalance that Donghyuck and Renjun show, and Jaemin is flabbergasted when they reach the fifth floor and instead of acting like normal adults, they just run all the way to their room like silly kids.

Jaemin ends up speeding through the hall in case another guest will find him alone, but it’s still quite embarrassing. Renjun and Donghyuck aren’t mean enough to close the door before he arrives, which is what Jaemin figured they would do, but they have a reason not to. When Jaemin peeks inside, Renjun and Donghyuck are already kissing, only stopping to giggle and scold each other for not taking their shoes off before entering.

“You like it?” Renjun asks Jaemin, pulling him in as soon as Donghyuck lets him go.

“It’s cool.” Jaemin shrugs, smiling when Donghyuck grunts at his lack of enthusiasm. “Shall we order food?”

The room isn’t very special, but it’s spacious, and both the bed and the TV are huge. Jaemin finds funny that they didn’t bother to get a room with at least two beds, but they’ll fit in the double bed, and Jaemin suspects that Donghyuck and Renjun spend this kind of weekends attached at the hip anyhow, so space isn’t a problem.

They order an immoral amount of food, and Renjun falls asleep in the evening, his eyelids closing while they eat. Jaemin lets him latch onto his lap, though Renjun demands him to caress his hair as well and uses him as a pillow. Donghyuck ends up leaning against his leg too, but his attention remains on the show they’re watching, and Jaemin can only afford to stare at him from time to time, too shy to ask for cuddles.

“He looks so cute when he’s quiet,” Donghyuck mutters, glancing at Renjun once he’s completely asleep.

Jaemin has to muffle his laughter, because he’s sure Renjun would kill Donghyuck if he heard that comment.

“You’re mean,” he protests. Donghyuck merely arches his eyebrows, a silent challenge, and props himself up on Jaemin’s thigh to look at Renjun closer. Predicting his moves, Jaemin warns him, “Don’t wake him up.”

Donghyuck smirks up at him. “Stop me then.”

He considers that option for a second, but then Donghyuck holds Renjun’s face between his hands and leaves a kiss on the tip of his nose, and Jaemin can’t stop him. Renjun’s eyelashes flutter, but by the time he processes that his boyfriend is kissing him, Donghyuck is insistently pecking his cheeks with a smile on his lips.

“Donghyuck,” Renjun moans as a complaint. His annoyance breaks down to show the beginning of a smile while Jaemin keeps stroking his hair, but he doesn’t know if it’s for Donghyuck or for him. “You have another boyfriend now, you don’t have to bother me when you want attention.”

“A nap is just a nap,” Donghyuck retorts. “Otherwise you’ll wake up in the middle of the night.”

Jaemin snickers at that, but Donghyuck’s reasoning is unbeatable. They would regret not doing this if Renjun started rolling around at five in the morning.

“I hate you,” Renjun mumbles, but there’s no rancor in his voice. He cranes his neck to glance up at Jaemin, maybe to check that he’s not half asleep as well, and then announces, “I’m going to take a shower.”

Renjun playfully shoves Donghyuck away, though it’s still hard for him to get rid of two pairs of arms tickling him. He slides off the bed and starts looking for clean clothes, and Donghyuck takes that chance to fasten himself over Jaemin.

Even though Jaemin is wired to mistrust Donghyuck, this time he gives him a pass, wrongly believes that Donghyuck just wants to snuggle him. He accommodates his head between Jaemin’s arm and chest and stays in the same position for a while, tapping his fingers on Jaemin’s sternum.

As if Donghyuck could smell his relaxation, once they hear the water of the shower running, Donghyuck gazes at him in expectation.

“Don’t want to go with him?” he asks Jaemin, like he _wishes_ for Jaemin to go after Renjun.

That question shouldn’t intimidate Jaemin, but the mischievous inquiry in Donghyuck’s eyes does the trick.

“What?” Jaemin lets out a nervous laugh, dragging his focus towards the show instead of Donghyuck’s face. “No.”

He’s not sure if he’s red in the face, but if that’s the case, he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s feeling every inch of Donghyuck’s body against him, or just because Donghyuck prompted him to picture Renjun naked. And that’s a trap, because Jaemin knows what his bare body looks like with a precision that shouldn’t be allowed.

It’s been a long time since he last saw Donghyuck naked, however.

“You act like you’ve never done that before,” Donghyuck reminds him.

And there it is: a purpose. Donghyuck shifts over him, but he manages to keep his semblance straight, to not openly tease Jaemin. Jaemin even considers for a moment that Donghyuck is trying to have a serious conversation with him.

“It’s not the same,” Jaemin says, shier by the second. It’s different because back then, Jaemin didn’t allow himself to _admire_. Ogling was invasive, and Jaemin respected him beyond his own desires – maybe if he had indulged himself in that small detail, he would have figured out what that imposed restraint meant. “Because now-”

“You can fuck him?” Donghyuck finishes for him. Jaemin makes the mistake of looking into Donghyuck’s eyes, and that seems to be the signal for Donghyuck to breath over his neck, his warm mouth leaving a trail of goosebumps on his skin. Jaemin frets, nervous, and Donghyuck plants a chaste kiss on his carotid. “That’s so basic, Jaemin, you can just take a shower with him, you know?”

Not even Donghyuck would be able to keep his hands to himself in that situation, and both of them know that.

“I’m not falling for that,” Jaemin grunts, his voice cracking as soon as Donghyuck presses on his neck. He doesn’t bother to hide his intentions anymore, slowly licking and kissing up Jaemin’s neck until Jaemin whines out loud. “You two used to take really long showers together.”

A laugh bubbles up in Donghyuck’s throat. “You knew that?” he asks, even though he sounds uninterested. Jaemin agrees that the feeling of his tongue on his neck is much more interesting, and before he can process what they’re doing, both of his hands are against Donghyuck’s back, pressing him closer. “We still do. You’d love to see that, I can assure you that.”

Jaemin gulps, conscious that Donghyuck has him on the palm of his hand. He never thought he could be into this, but then again he never thought he was going to like two guys at the same time; he can't believe he’s wasted so much time being jealous when he could have used the image of them together for other purposes.

It would have made him feel guilty later, but Jaemin would have enjoyed it while it lasted.

“Cat got your tongue,” Donghyuck notices, no room for denial. He moves towards the underside of his jaw, and then kisses Jaemin's jaw line, calm kisses that get wetter and messier every time. Jaemin’s breath catches in his throat, his insides twisting. “I love when you're too nervous to fight me back.”

It's not about fighting Donghyuck back. It's about responding to his kisses, being able to make him feel like Jaemin himself feels right now. He doubts he has that power over Donghyuck.

“I'm not nervous,” Jaemin lies, but his voice trembles, and Donghyuck smiles against his jaw.

Instead of contradicting him, Donghyuck respects the last bits of his pride, caresses Jaemin's cheek and draws away.

“Look at me,” he says, almost a plea.

Jaemin obeys just to see the curious look in Donghyuck's face in time. That doesn't last, though, as Donghyuck moves upwards and fuses their lips together, curiosity turning into honesty.

Jaemin can tell the difference. There's no build up, no need to move slow, and they lick into each other's mouth without shame. Jaemin is brave enough to do that; as long as he loses himself in Donghyuck, taking big steps is just a secondary thought.

It's hard to keep up with Donghyuck's rhythm. Jaemin feels his hands everywhere: in his hair, running over his abdomen, palming over his pants to check if he’s hard. It's embarrassing for Jaemin to react so eagerly to his touches, but he knows that Donghyuck wouldn't be satisfied otherwise. He also knows that it's useless to try to hold back, because if the boy of his dreams wants to get him hard and fuck him, whether their other boyfriend is there or not, Jaemin would have to be a fool to ruin it.

“Wouldn't you like it if Renjun came back and found us like this?” Donghyuck muses. He laps his tongue over Jaemin's mouth, ignoring the tension of his body at the mere mention of Renjun walking into them. It's the good kind of tension, but Jaemin needs some control over it or he'll come in his pants before Donghyuck can even touch him. “Maybe with your hands around my cock, just like he did to you. He's so cute when he's frustrated, and it would be so funny to let him realize-” Donghyuck slips his hand between Jaemin's legs, and without any hesitation, thumbs along Jaemin's dick. Jaemin didn't even know he was getting hard, but there he is, twitching at the feeling of some friction over his clothes. Donghyuck whispers, “That he's the only one not receiving any favors.”

This is one of Donghyuck's favorite pastimes: irk Renjun. And Jaemin understands him, because he’d die to have Renjun beg for him – it used to be small things like food or the remote control, and Jaemin can't imagine how it must feel to hear him beg for dick instead. No wonder Donghyuck never gets tired of pushing him around.

“I want him too,” Jaemin manages to utter, trying not to think about the warmth of Donghyuck's hand on his pants.

That confession seems to amuse Donghyuck, and his laughter vibrates over Jaemin's mouth.

“I know you do.” Of course Donghyuck knows – god, he knew before Jaemin did. And he's going to have them both if he wants to, if he plays along Donghyuck's antics. “But it's not fair he had you first. I was here for the longest time.”

Jaemin is stunned at those words, but there's no trace of coyness in Donghyuck as he sits up and pulls at his own sweater, offering himself. Even though the smoothness of Donghyuck's skin and the lines marked by his hipbones are pretty distracting, Jaemin can't help but notice that Donghyuck is being petty. Petty because Renjun not only stole Jaemin's first kiss, but also his first sexual experience.

Jaemin thinks it's karmic payback, and Donghyuck has a lot to do to gain his territory back. That won’t be a problem. Jaemin isn’t going to deny him anything tonight.

“You're jealous?” Jaemin breathes out, his eyes scanning Donghyuck's body.

Donghyuck has lost some weight during promotions, but he's still toned in a delicate way, and when he starts tugging his pants down, Jaemin's head is filled with impatient, puzzled thoughts about how inviting he looks. His thighs have always been Jaemin’s weakness; tanned, round and soft, and he indulges himself a bit at the view.

“Maybe,” Donghyuck confesses, unyielding. His gaze roams over Jaemin, and then he says, “Take off your clothes, Min.”

It’s not a question, but Jaemin nods to appease him, to be good. Donghyuck lies next to him, attentive, as Jaemin clumsily gets rid of all his clothes. Donghyuck does too, but Jaemin avoids glancing at his dick at first. He prefers bathing in his own shyness, in the hunger in Donghyuck’s eyes while he takes in Jaemin’s dick, his thighs, his ass. Unlike him, Donghyuck isn’t afraid of touching or admiring him, since he reaches out to stroke down his thigh, a small smile dancing on his lips.

“Deep breaths,” Donghyuck jokes, though it’s obvious that Jaemin can’t breathe. “Come here.”

Donghyuck has his legs slightly parted, but that’s not where he leads Jaemin. He helps him to lie on his side, pulling him into a kiss, and then intertwines their fingers together. It passes as a comforting gesture, but by now Jaemin can follow Donghyuck’s clues, so he doesn’t flinch when Donghyuck guides his hand to his dick.

Jaemin gasps into his mouth, but he wraps his hand around Donghyuck, carefully moving his curved dick away from his abdomen. Donghyuck lets out a subtle hiss, more sensitive than Jaemin expected, and that’s all Jaemin needs to know that no matter how experienced Donghyuck and Renjun are, this is going to be messy. Donghyuck is just as eager as Jaemin himself, and that has always been their key combination.

“You can do this, right?” Donghyuck muses, leaning back on his elbows. His chest rises and falls, but Jaemin hasn’t started to touch him properly yet, and he feels fascinated at how easy this could be. “Just touch me like you touch yourself.”

Jaemin flushes at the thought, because he’s sure Donghyuck doesn’t go as hard as Jaemin goes on himself sometimes – that, and Jaemin would be embarrassed of letting Donghyuck know this small secret.

That’s the reason he starts slow, just caressing Donghyuck as he looks for the lube they left on the bedside table. That gives Jaemin time to familiarize himself with Donghyuck’s body, to check if he likes being stroked down his balls, or on his inner thighs. To Jaemin’s shock, Donghyuck responds to every touch, muscles tensing and relaxing under Jaemin's palm.

It's Donghyuck himself who jerks off a few times to spread the lube, but Jaemin replaces him soon enough, his need to please giving him some bravery. There might be nothing romantic about this, but Jaemin thinks it's quite magical; the way Donghyuck throws his head back with a sigh as soon as Jaemin starts moving his hand up and down, the contained gasps falling off his mouth, the rhythmic movement of his stomach as he tries to repress his excitement.

Jaemin appreciates this. Donghyuck could have asked for many things, could have told him to blow him or to just lie on his back and spread his legs. But he's allowing Jaemin to begin with something he's familiar with, so that he doesn't feel like it's too much out of the blue or too little.

“That was fast,” Renjun's voice booms across the room, and Jaemin's heart almost stops altogether. Renjun has only his towel on, and is staring at them from the bathroom's door with an arrogant look on his semblance. “Can't leave you alone for ten minutes.”

Jaemin is too embarrassed to retort. He usually counts on Donghyuck to fight, but right now he's too gone to contradict Renjun's teasing. This was Donghyuck's fault, though. It was him who came to him for affection, and Jaemin is as innocent as one can be while jerking a guy off.

“Renjun,” Donghyuck mutters, barely opening his eyes to glance at him.

“Yeah?” Renjun replies, amused. He gestures at Jaemin to go on, and Jaemin does, taking a deep breath and remembering that he needs to get used to this – Renjun isn't going to make fun of him if he touches Donghyuck in the wrong way; in any case, he'll just help them. “Are you having fun?”

Donghyuck lets out a sarcastic laugh, like he can't believe Renjun is asking that, but he still nods. Renjun drops his towel, unashamed, and climbs onto the bed with them. Jaemin feels himself falter, but Renjun just strokes Donghyuck's hip and leans over him to press a kiss on Jaemin's mouth.

This requires a coordination that Jaemin lacks, but neither Donghyuck nor Renjun seem to mind that he can't be perfect either at the handjob or at the kiss. Donghyuck wraps his hand over Jaemin's, guides him to a firm pace, and when Renjun detaches from him, Jaemin realizes Donghyuck’s gaze is devouring them.

“Shit,” Donghyuck mutters, a mere word that draws Renjun's attention towards him.

Jaemin can't help but be shocked when Renjun purposefully ignores Donghyuck at first, and only when Donghyuck sits up and grabs him by the waist, bringing him into his embrace, Renjun surrenders. Jaemin has to let go of Donghyuck's dick while they kiss, and he fumbles around for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. After all this is their intimacy, and Jaemin hasn't found his place here yet.

They remember Jaemin's presence just one moment later, however, and Donghyuck laughs a breathy laugh upon realizing that he's feeling left out. Jaemin gladly accepts the invitation to join them with a whine, and they kiss for a while, taking turns while the third party caresses their hair, their shoulders, or sucks kisses on the first patch of skin he can find.

By the time they manage to calm down, Jaemin has hickeys burning in his neck, in his shoulders, and a huge one tingling on his hipbone, where Renjun went down without shame minutes ago.

“How do you want this?” Donghyuck asks Jaemin, tapping under his chin.

Jaemin hasn't thought about it. Well, he has _thought_ about it, but they were fantasies, and they don't necessarily fit his real wishes. Jaemin doesn't think he could survive all he wants to do on the first try.

“I don't know,” he mumbles. He flickers his eyes towards Donghyuck first, and then to Renjun. “How do you two usually-?”

It must be a funny question, because both of them smile.

“We're flexible,” Renjun assures him, sweet. His lips stretch into a mischievous smirk, and his sweet tone results quite mocking now, “Donghyuck is just asking if he can fuck you, Jaemin.”

If Jaemin had any control over his own body, he wouldn't blush, but he's hard, burning from head to toe, and unable to think straight. So shame takes over his logic, the weight of Renjun and Donghyuck's gazes on him.

Of course they're not making him decide how they're going to fuck, they're just assessing how far Jaemin will go.

“I-” Jaemin stutters, avoiding their eyes. Renjun curls his index finger around his hair, as if to soothe him, and Jaemin admits, “I think I want to try.”

Jaemin doesn't expect a big reaction, but the satisfaction plastered on Donghyuck's face is enough. Even if he remembers Renjun telling him that Donghyuck often thought about fucking him, it's different to see it with his own eyes.

The next thing Jaemin knows is that he’s being pushed on his back and Renjun is helping him to spread his legs apart, but everything happens so fast that Jaemin can’t brace himself. Jaemin glances at Donghyuck for a second, alarmed, and Donghyuck immediately takes his hand, eyes crinkled up in amusement. It’s odd to realize that Donghyuck understands him without words, that Jaemin doesn’t have to explain that spreading his legs makes him feel exposed. It leaves him so vulnerable, so open, that it takes him a moment to remember that he’s safe with Renjun and Donghyuck.

Renjun caresses his thighs, a questioning look on his semblance.

“I’m damn good at this,” he brags, at which Donghyuck hums in agreement. Donghyuck pushes Jaemin’s hair out of his face, kisses his cheek, and Renjun stares at them with eagerness. Before Jaemin can rush him, Renjun continues, “I could make you come just with my fingers, but tonight I’ll be good.”

The truth is that Jaemin has never fingered himself, and as Renjun warms up the lube in his hands and then spreads it all over his ass, Jaemin tightens without thinking twice. His immediate reaction is more embarrassing than being nervous, and Donghyuck laughs at him in endearment. Jaemin can’t even protest, because no one has touched his ass before, and Renjun seems to know every one of his soft spots, the tender parts under his balls and around his groin.

Blinking, Jaemin makes an effort to relax, and then mouths a quick _yes_ for Renjun.

“It’s not going to hurt,” Renjun promises, though there’s a crease of worry between his eyebrows. He touches Jaemin’s rim, playing with the lube, and Jaemin makes a little noise of impatience. Renjun whispers, “You look so good like this. Now I get why Donghyuck was so obsessed with this.”

If Jaemin thought he couldn’t get harder, he was wrong. It’s a mixture of frustration and nervousness, and on top of that, the urge of receiving more praise, of looking good for Renjun and Donghyuck. They get compliments all the time, but this feels different. It’s raw, genuine desire.

“Told you,” Donghyuck responds, laughing in the crook of Jaemin’s neck. “Come on, prepare him for me.”

Jaemin just has one second to wonder if Donghyuck always gives the orders here, and then Renjun is pushing one finger in and Jaemin’s whole being is shaken by an electrifying whip. Jaemin isn’t fully aware of his own noises, but he discovers, right there and right then, that he’s not the quiet type once he has a finger up his ass.

But Renjun is right: it doesn’t hurt. He massages him with one finger at first, and the stretching is quite a peculiar sensation that makes Jaemin squirm. It helps that Donghyuck distracts him with kisses, much more loving than Jaemin expected him to be when he’s so eager for sex, and soon even Jaemin knows that he’s ready for more.

And god, Renjun is indeed good at this. It’s not just about stretching him open, but about touching the right places to make Jaemin feel a tiny bit of pleasure, that kind of pleasure that drives him to relax. Renjun has slim fingers, but once he’s massaging him with two of them, Jaemin is confident he can take Donghyuck or Renjun. Not both of them at the same time, though, at least not now.

“Ready,” Jaemin groans, barely able to exhale, let alone speak. Donghyuck pecks him once more, and mind fuzzy, Jaemin has to repeat, “Ready.”

Donghyuck heard him the first time, or that's what his smirk shows once he pulls away. Jaemin huffs a laugh, almost to himself, but then Renjun is drawing his fingers away and the sensation of closing around nothing makes Jaemin gasp.

“Don't get nervous now,” Renjun tells him, a bit softer than before.

Jaemin can't promise that he won't, but none of them need a promise. Donghyuck and Renjun switch places, and Jaemin doesn't know what Renjun is supposed to do now, but he doesn't imagine he's just going to lie down there, next to them. That's what he does, however, wrapping Jaemin's hand around his dick and watching them.

There are too many distractions, but Jaemin's attention is inevitably fixed on Donghyuck again. Donghyuck isn’t disposed to waste any more time, since he's slicking himself up with lube, pressing his thumb inside him to check that Jaemin can indeed take him.

“He’s so big,” Renjun breathes out, startling when Jaemin clumsily slips his hand down in a bad angle. In a haze, it takes Jaemin a moment to notice that Renjun isn't talking about Donghyuck's size. He's referring to Jaemin's dick, swollen and dark pink against his stomach. “I think I might like his dick better than yours.”

Donghyuck frowns at that, and as if to prove a point, he rubs the tip of his cock against Jaemin's entrance. Perhaps that's Renjun’s aim, because his pretty lips curl into a lopsided smirk. Jaemin grasps the sheets with his free hand, all the nerves of his body lighting up.

Donghyuck's gaze is on him, but his response is directed at Renjun when he grunts, “You’re so childish.”

And then he pushes in.

Jaemin swears he passes out for a few seconds, the back of his head hitting the mattress with a loud thump and a noise gurgling out of his throat. It's so warm, _so much_ , and Jaemin feels like he's being stretched more than he should. But it doesn't hurt. It's just strange, new, and once the first wave of tension is gone, Jaemin is comfortable.

When he blinks his eyes open, the view thunders before him without prior warning. Donghyuck has his lips parted in a mute moan, his chin down and his bangs over his eyes. He's always hot, but right now he looks extraordinarily hot. If this is what Jaemin is going to see every time he lets Donghyuck fuck him, they're never getting out of bed.

Jaemin glances at Renjun, who is as entranced as Jaemin, his eyes strained on the place Donghyuck and Jaemin's hips clash. That's the detail that brings Jaemin to reality. Donghyuck is fucking him, and Renjun is _watching_. He can't understand how this happened, just that it happened, that it's completely insane and at the same time it feels too right to be wrong.

“I'm going crazy,” Renjun mutters under his breath, so low that Jaemin is shocked that he can hear him.

Jaemin agrees with him. The moment Donghyuck starts moving his hips, his whole world crumbles down. All he can feel is Donghyuck's hands on his hips, fingers sinking so hard that Jaemin will bruise, and the brush of Donghyuck's dick inside him stretching him once and again.

Out of habit Jaemin tries not to moan out loud, but his experience is limited to masturbating, and the pleasure can't compare to this. Every snap of Donghyuck’s hips pulls a moan out of him, and he doesn’t mean to be so vocal, but Jaemin's own noises get drowned by Renjun and Donghyuck’s.

“I wanted you so much,” Donghyuck mumbles, looming over him to fuse their lips. It lasts just for a moment, but then Donghyuck is coordinating his movements with their kisses, and Jaemin takes every kiss accompanied by the slam of Donghyuck's body against him. “I'm so happy you waited for me.”

Jaemin clasps his hands together against Donghyuck's lower back, demanding, wanting to feel those words physically, and Donghyuck groans once he's deep inside him. Jaemin is barely conscious that he has let go of Renjun, but when he tries to reach for him, he's not there anymore. And Jaemin wants to worry, but Donghyuck speeds up, and Jaemin can't find either the words or the drive to warn Donghyuck.

It catches both of them off guard.

Jaemin can't recognize the sensation at first, but he can clearly feel the warm tingling over his entrance, something wetter than Donghyuck's dick but just as warm. Donghyuck's body goes limp for a second, and that's how Jaemin knows that he didn’t imagine this.

“Holy shit, Renjun,” Donghyuck groans, dropping his forehead on Jaemin's chest. Jaemin unintentionally makes a noise to get him back, to have him closer, but Donghyuck is going through his own process to accept that Renjun is both licking his balls and Jaemin's ass. “Give me a warning first, I almost came.”

Jaemin flushes at the way Renjun laughs at that, like he did it on purpose. Perhaps this would have been the perfect punishment for neglecting him, though Jaemin would swear Renjun is having a lot of fun with this.

Donghyuck has more control over himself than he lets on, because one second later he's moving again, taking Renjun's tongue and the heat around his dick without trouble. There's a small frown between his eyebrows, like he's bearing his own pleasure not to let go and finish, but he looks so pretty, so vulnerable that Jaemin hastily pulls him for another kiss.

They meet in a clumsy kiss, embarrassing and lewd, a cascade of shivers running down Jaemin's spine every time Donghyuck desperately bottoms out. He never thought he'd kiss Donghyuck this way, that Donghyuck would be so overwhelmed just for fucking into him, but he doesn't care anymore if Donghyuck sees through him. He must know that Jaemin has fantasized about him for years, and that’s an advantage that Jaemin can’t erase.

“You like that?” Donghyuck asks him, slightly amused at every jump of Jaemin's body when Renjun sucks a bit too hard.

Jaemin’s sense of pride is non-existent, so he moans a muffled, “Yeah.”

“I can tell,” Donghyuck gasps. He slams harder this time, a deep noise rumbling in chest, and Jaemin sees stars. Donghyuck notices his tension, perhaps because his legs are trembling, or because he keeps tightening, his dick twitching with every stroke. “Don't come like this, yeah?”

It's easier said than done.

“I'm trying,” Jaemin assures him, but he sounds weaker than he intends to, and Donghyuck attempts to appease him with some kisses along his jaw line. It's not Donghyuck who is getting fucked for the first time, and he seems aware of that.

He pushes back at last, caressing over Jaemin's chest, and says, “I want Renjun to ride you.”

Jaemin blanks out at the proposal, but it's just that: a proposal. Donghyuck is asking for permission, in case Jaemin can't take more than this; it would be understandable, but Jaemin is greedier than that, and he wants Renjun too, no matter how or when. If Donghyuck told him to put Renjun on all fours and fuck him right now, he would do it too.

The torrent of thoughts running through his head only allows him to utter, “How?”

Donghyuck doesn't laugh at his question, even if the answer must be obvious to him. Jaemin looks up at him, expectant, just to realize that Donghyuck is waiting for Renjun.

Renjun crawls towards them, and he looks a bit messed up now, hair pointing everywhere. Donghyuck tenderly brushes his hair down, which is quite a sweet contrast considering what they’re doing. Then, Donghyuck holds Renjun by the waist and helps him to straddle Jaemin, and Jaemin’s insides rumble with impatience.

This is all Jaemin needs to see to know, for a fact, that he could have never guessed the implications of Donghyuck’s idea. Donghyuck is still inside him, and now Renjun is on him, and it's too much to process without losing his sanity.

No need for orders, Renjun slants forward and leaves a slick kiss on Jaemin's mouth, to which Jaemin parts his lips like he hasn't tasted Renjun in years. Jaemin discovers that it’s a kiss with second intentions, because Renjun towers over him just to put his ass on display for Donghyuck, and Donghyuck is now spreading lube between his cheeks, preparing him much faster than Jaemin.

Renjun doesn't need all that preparation, not even if Jaemin is bigger than Donghyuck, but it’s a delight to watch his expression while Donghyuck fingers him. The image of Renjun riding Donghyuck’s fingers burns in his retina, and Jaemin has to close his eyes for a few seconds not to come at the saturation of sensations.

“Pretty,” Donghyuck muses, shamelessly slapping Renjun's butt to tell him that he's done.

Renjun insists in kissing Jaemin for longer, though, and Donghyuck doesn't hesitate to grab his hair and pull him back. Jaemin gasps out loud, afraid that Renjun is hurt, but Renjun clashes against Donghyuck's chest and both of them laugh.

Eyes sparkling, Renjun turns his head so that they meet in a kiss, a reward for Donghyuck’s attitude. Jaemin feels a tinge of tenderness blossom within him, because it's surprising that, considering how obscene all this looks to him, Renjun and Donghyuck can share such a romantic kiss.

“He's just hard to control,” Donghyuck explains once they part, like tugging his boyfriend by the hair is a habit.

Renjun pecks his cheek, and then his attention returns to Jaemin with a cute tilt of his head. Jaemin doesn't miss how Donghyuck's hands help Renjun to raise his hips, and when he feels Donghyuck touching his dick, he knows that Renjun's blabbering is just going to be a distraction for what comes next.

“Good?” Renjun shoots at him with a subtle mocking tone. Jaemin is much better than _good_ , and Renjun knows that. “You look stressed, babe.”

Jaemin doesn't have time to protest at the teasing, because warmth pools at the head of his dick, and then Donghyuck is guiding Renjun's hips down, and down, and down. Jaemin cries out loud, putting all his efforts in not shooting inside Renjun right away, and Renjun has the nerve to smile at him.

“Oh my god,” Jaemin hears himself say. And then an unintelligible, “Fuck, _fuck_.”

The first roll of Renjun's hips is the sign for Donghyuck to move too, and before Jaemin can brace up, he's being taken over by an amount of pleasure that leaves him speechless. Renjun is tight on his dick, fast and precise, and Jaemin feels every hit inside him like an explosion. Jaemin is useless, but he manages to settle his hands on Renjun's hips, trying to seize some kind of link to them. But the heat around his dick, combined with Donghyuck thrusting inside him, makes it impossible for Jaemin to last.

He's not alone in this.

Renjun is way more riled up than he shows, because in a matter of minutes he's throwing his head back on Donghyuck's shoulder, moaning and rambling about Jaemin's dick. Donghyuck takes a moment to wrap his arms around Renjun and fist his dick, and it's almost instantaneous: he comes with a cry, cheeks red, collapsing against Donghyuck without any care in the world.

Jaemin is sure that watching Renjun come, so pretty while Donghyuck softly holds him, is the final straw that makes him reach his breaking point. It's a bit of everything: Renjun clenching around him, the hunger in Donghyuck's eyes when they flicker towards Jaemin, his deafening panting, the intimacy they display in front of him, and at last, Donghyuck pushing his dick all the way in one last time.

Jaemin comes in endless waves, shooting inside Renjun with a moan, no time to ask first. Renjun doesn’t mind, just rides him a bit faster, and Donghyuck comes with him, groaning against Renjun's neck. Both of them rock against Jaemin a few more times, and then Jaemin starts coming down from his high, his surroundings asphyxiating him and sweat sticking to every inch of his body.

It's only then that he feels more than his own pleasure; Renjun falls on him, but so does Donghyuck, and Jaemin feels him pull out, cum dripping down his ass. It's a strange sensation, but it's weirdly comforting after all this, even more than Renjun hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

“Okay, get off me, Hyuck,” Renjun complains, groggy. Donghyuck snickers at the petition, and Jaemin can't help but guffaw a laugh, so Renjun has to insist, “I'm going to die in a human sandwich.”

Donghyuck plants a sonorous kiss on Renjun's back and then obeys, rolling over to let them breathe. Jaemin is still trying to recover his breath, but when Donghyuck looks for his hand over the mattress, he doesn't doubt to respond, accepting the tiny squeeze Donghyuck gives him.

“Always so romantic,” Donghyuck tells Renjun, who just fakes a pout so that Donghyuck doesn't bother him.

Jaemin knows that it's a joke. He knows that they're sticky, sweaty and tired, but with Renjun lying on his chest and Donghyuck holding his hand, Jaemin thinks it's a little bit romantic.

And best of all, he likes it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/renjucas)   
>  [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/berryboys)   
> 


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